big picture:

Congrats to Brad & Brittany on their first son, Dylan!


Katsu visiting from Japan.

Aside from a brief visit from Katsu, who was back in the U.S. on business, we didn't have any major plans this weekend (although getting Naomi to and from church can require some major planning). Well, we actually missed John & Helen's wedding and Manny's family's annual Memorial Party, but right now, it's very difficult to travel far with the baby in tow. They wanted Manny to work again this weekend, but he declined, which made for the best weekend I've had since Naomi was born. Not that she's not a joy, but having Daddy around makes everything better.

Naomi does so well at church, maybe it's the change of environment. People there must think I'm kidding when I tell them how much she cries. All the way there (about a 25 minute drive), all the way home, but just not once she enters those doors. :) And as exhausting as it is, we feel so much more refreshed after going.

Happy Memorial Day. Well, it's not really meant to be "happy," but a big-picture reminder of the freedoms we have and the lives risked and lost to protect them. Someone who's overly detail-oriented like me needs to take a step back sometimes, stop analyzing the artwork, and just enjoy it for what it is. That's something I should apply to parenthood. And marriage, too. I can't forget that the relationship priority is first Christ, then my husband, then my children. And I need to take care of me, too. You take care, too.

always a bright side:

i realize that lately i've just been talking about the baby blues i'm having. on the surface, it's hard to deal with the colic and reflux. dig deeper, and it's probably more my hormones and utter exhaustion. and further down, as manny puts it, it may be attributed to my expectations for the baby and myself. but i neglected to write about a lot of the happy times i've been having with naomi. maybe i haven't been thinking about them enough.

one thing that makes me laugh (that shouldn't) is how when her arms are flailing (both when she's happy or crying), she often hits herself. and then reacts like, "huh, what was that?" with startled eyes. it's sad but funny. she's very alert, maybe too alert, and when she's happy, she is really happy and smiling and cooing. i can't wait to hear her laugh (outside of her sleep). she likes to "pretend" jump up and down on my lap and try to carry her weight on her legs. she's also discovering her hand, sucking on it. that's unless she misses. then she opens her mouth and her hand is hitting her cheek instead. (like the airplane "drinking problem") i'd better enjoy it while her mistakes and accidents are still considered cute. :)

ok, she's up again...

meeting naomi / star wars / general feelings:

Cecille with me and Naomi, Chris & Orlie meet the little one

Bryan holding Naomi, Joey says hello (last wknd)

visitors: naomi's made some new friends! i like how she likes to see who's holding her -- you can see that in the photos. i guess she gets the peoplewatcher tendency from mom and dad. we had some other visitors as well, but the visits were brief, so i didn't take photos. i'm so incoherent from exhaustion when i speak to people, so it's easier for us to all just to stare at naomi instead. :) *note: if you ever want to hold a baby, please wash your hands first. some parents are being polite (or realize it's too late) when they don't tell you, but do it for the baby. :) we also brought her to church for the first time. i even put shoes on her, even though they're completely useless, but they were a cute gift.

star wars: manny offered to watch naomi while cecille and i went to see star wars episode iii (completely his idea - what a sweetheart). this was the longest i've been apart from naomi since coming home from the hospital. i thought of her the whole time, but still managed to enjoy the movie. excellent, excellent movie. i'm glad it doesn't take itself seriously. the cheese is fine by me -- the nostalgic factor is bigger for me. i liked the nods to episodes iv-vi. now i want to watch them again. someday.

generally speaking: i'm still hanging in there, still frazzled, still challenged every day. and as much as i don't want to, i still keep hoping naomi's digestive system will miraculously mature. today was especially rough, but i won't get into it. at least she does seem to be getting a little better with the new regimen. maybe only a little better, but still better.

******
Dear Naomi,
You are surrounded by so much love (and senses of humor), and I can't wait for you to understand that. I think you kind of understand that when Daddy's around. I'm getting to know you better each day, but you've developed a couple new cries this past week. I want so much to be able to communicate with you. But for now, just rest your head on me and we'll get through it together.
Love,
Mom

virtual red egg:

oh no, don't cry! it's your birthday!

to celebrate naomi's one month birthday, we took her to...the pediatrician. she confirmed that naomi has both colic and reflux. and she should outgrow the first by 3 months and the latter by 9 months. but she did at least give us some options and said that naomi's weight gain is still good (about an ounce per day). because she's choking and vomited again this morning, it looks like i will have to express and bottle-feed her every other feeding or so and give gas drops every four hours. i also have to hold her upright for 20 minutes after each feeding, which i've been doing since tuesday. it's kind of tiring, so she's in a baby bjorn carrier right now. if it doesn't get better, she'll be put on zantac. i think manny secretly wants to switch to formula so he can take care of all her feedings. i'm blessed to have a husband that desires to be so involved with her. she is definitely daddy's little girl.

as for the red egg and ginger party, we won't be having one. the party is a traditional chinese celebration of the baby's one month birthday (probably having to do with infant and mother mortality rates in china in the olden days). but i'm celebrating inside emotionally. today i finished my last bit of black chicken soup, got to spend more time with manny because of the appointment, and enjoyed naomi's ever-increasing eye contact. sometimes she glares at me after her colicky bouts, like, "what is wrong with you, woman?" haha.

whoa -- naomi just screamed out loud in her nap, not a squeal, but an "aaahhh!!." i guess babies must have nightmares, too? she's never made that sound while awake. i'm handling the colic better now. the lack of sleep is rough, but at least i can choose to be tired and thankful rather than tired and upset. not thankful that it's not worse, but thankful that i get to have this experience at all. a new life is a miracle (behold, children are a gift of the Lord -- psalm 127:3). she's a gift to our marriage. i hope i will remember the big picture more often.

4 weeks and counting:

Congrats to Bernie and Vivian on #5, Luke!

I called the pediatrician this morning. I know they say just wait for colic to pass (after the baby is 6-12 weeks old), but I couldn't even last one week with it. Night after night of inconsolable crying 5 hours straight (the baby, not me)...with me trying not to blame myself...but of course blaming myself... But last night she was wheezing and then threw up quite a bit of milk, and then this morning, choking and coughing and fussing again during feeding. So I had to call.

The doctor says it sounds like gastroesophageal reflux. So did Vanessa, whom I called because I just wanted to talk to another mom again. Her friend's baby had it, and after going on Zantac, the baby showed remarkable improvement. It was reassuring to hear a possible solution other than "let her cry, it's healthy" or just "wait it out." She's been arching her back, pulling her knees up, and clenching her fists in pain. Colic is not a myth. Everything that calms Naomi down doesn't work between around 2 and 7 pm (she started having the crying spells at this time daily since last Monday), although gas drops sometimes provided relief before she'd be wailing again. And last night, the crying went till midnight and we decided it couldn't wait until the 2-month well-baby visit because she's just not well.

Trying to be a "good mom" just makes being a new mom that much harder. What's a good mom anyway? It's not really measurable. That's what I have to remember. God will grant me the wisdom I need. One other humbling lesson is that before I had a baby, I observed other parents and said, "Oh, I'll do that, too" or "I won't do that when I have kids." Man, there's no time to think that way!

And I say "4 weeks and counting" because I thought there must be some magical week like week 8 or week 12 where Naomi will start sleeping and napping, her digestive system will mature, she'll grow to a decent size...but now I've given up on trying to predict when that will be.

what's happenin':

Naomi's first tub bath after her umblicial cord stump healed.


She just started becoming entranced by the TV.

We've had a few visitors drop by these last couple weeks. It's great to see them, and they're so forgiving about my appearance (yes, it's as bad as I think). Melinda visited last week with her daughter. Joey dropped by this weekend and got to see our precious one alert and smiling as well as grumpy and wailing. She's focusing a lot more on objects now, especially the TV, which I'm not sure is a good thing. We also gave her a bath and she didn't cry. Product Plug: Safer Bather (that giant sponge in our tub above) is a great product. So are Pampers Swaddlers for smaller newborns like ours.

Naomi broke out in baby acne all over her face. Even though most doctors say to just rinse with water and leave it alone, it seems to be getting worse and worse. So I might try a BabyCenter recommendation and buy some Aveeno baby wash and lotion for it. Naomi's gas is also terrible, and I think it's the main reason she sleeps and naps so little. She can pass gas in her sleep, but if it's going to be a big one, she wakes herself up crying. :( I've resorted to a baby sling just to force her to nap a couple hours before lunchtime. That's where she is right now, laughing and cooing away while she's napping. I'll wait till the 2-month visit and see if she really is having a bad reaction to something I'm eating. I've eliminated dairy, caffeine, citrus, and gassy veggies, but nothing's changed. Product Plug: Little Tummy's Gas Relief Drops work pretty well for her. We'll see how Mylicon works.

Manny has had to work very long hours lately (with no overtime pay), plus do all the shopping and most of the chores, plus take care of the baby when he can. I keep thinking that I should've taken advantage of our time together before children more. Even though we had 5 years! But I was often so busy...Well, now I really know what "busy" means!

Cecille is flying up this weekend! Yay! And right after my one-month confinement. She kindly volunteered to help with the baby announcements. And we do plan to see Star Wars! :) This will be my first true outing since Naomi was born. Not that I won't be thinking about Naomi the entire time, but I really do need some fresh air! I'll be putting the contacts back in and rummaging through the closet to find clothes that actually fit! And Sunday will be the first time the church will see (and probably hear) Naomi. Should be interesting! [I mean after church -- we don't plan on bringing her in to disrupt the service. She and I will be in the nursery area for a while]

survival mode:

i knew being a new parent would be tough, but it's more difficult than i'd ever expected. it's funny how some of my friends who, when they had their first kids, only told me about the joy part and now they say, "yeah, those first two months i was just in survival mode." oh now you tell me! naomi just refuses to nap or sleep for very long -- i don't think the bags under her eyes are natural. this is good for me, though. i often combat my physical and emotional exhaustion with thankfulness. i remember the blessings i've taken for granted (like time alone with my husband, running errands, sleep, showers...) and all that i do have (a healthy baby, friends that care, etc.). i think "God is good" started becoming sort of a catch phrase for me, but now that i'm challenged, i realize more and more the depth of this truth.

my mom said she didn't have any help raising us, not from my dad, her in-laws, her family. she said my brother was completely inconsolable and she hardly ever slept or ate. they didn't have disposable diapers or cloth diaper services back then, either. i should consider myself lucky to live in the world of modern convenience. and we're so blessed that people have been making meals for us every other day. i'm still cooking the chinese food for my lunches, even though i have to either do it super fast or choppy and slow to meet naomi's needs. this is what i signed up for, and overall, it's still wonderful.

letter:
Dear Naomi,
Being your mom is an around-the-clock job, but even though the days sometimes seem long, it's a reminder for me to take it slow and cherish this time when you so depend on us. Soon we'll be chasing after you. Then you'll start being your own person. And one day, you'll be off on your own. I almost can't imagine it, looking at how small and vulnerable you are now. The world is not an easy one to live in. May God give you increasing strength and wisdom.
Love,
Mom

a smile! a smile!

blurry, but i'm trying not to use the flash in her face.

yesterday i was playing with naomi in her bouncer when i noticed that she smiled when i smiled. i dismissed it initially, but then when i stopped smiling, so did she. i waited a few minutes and tried again before taking these photos. she also looked at me and smiled this morning when i said good morning to her (even though we were up all night). i dread when manny leaves for work, but at least he can read the blog or we can talk on the phone. i've received a lot of encouragement from seasoned moms and christian sisters -- it's been a true blessing. i'm still struggling with all the changes (and i don't mean just the diapers), but it is getting better.

in other news...

some non-momblog stuff quickly:

when i was undergoing the c-section, the surgeon and my doctor kept commenting on how jealous they were because of my "amazing abdominal muscles." ah, my best-kept physical secret revealed. haha. you can't tell these days by looking at my spare tire, though.

since chris and cecille will be visiting (separately) maybe at the end of this month, manny and i think we can take turns and go see star wars. of the myriad of things to be thinking about right now, we still have room for star wars!

i still do work from home maybe once a week. it's a strange set-up, but i'm hoping there will be some kind of telecommuting option at the end of my leave (not until labor day). probably not, since i'm a manager, but i'll take all the income i can get. too bad i didn't think about working from home earlier on. another item for the "if i only knew then what i know now" list that i toss at the end of each day.

ok, time to pick up baby girl and go cook lunch...

change of heart:

i decided today to take naomi off the forced routine/schedule until she's older. i should've exercised better judgment than to make such a change cold turkey. her crying was getting progressively worse since i started this on friday. with the long bouts of crying came a lot of swallowed air. extra gas. then in desperation, and with my own cycle being affected by the changes, she'd choke while nursing. more gas. this would cause her to cry some more and refuse to nurse. and the gas cycle continued. so did the sleepless/napless cycle. once i reverted, naomi had two two-hour naps this afternoon, finally. the 5-20 minute naps weren't cutting it.

even when melinda came over today, i picked naomi up and she burped a few times down the stairs (while she was asleep). i feel like a rotten parent, but it's not too late to realize that she's just 3 weeks old, like manny said. i can't let books and other parents' experiences parent my child. and her first month of life won't dictate how she'll be for the rest of it. again, i was just trying to be in control instead of focusing on what's important. and that is loving our little gift from God.

-----
Dear Naomi:
You're just 3 weeks old today. And already 3 weeks old! I know Daddy and I will make mistakes, but we're learning daily how to love and raise you. Today I stopped staring at the clock and started staring at you again, your little hands, your growing mullet, your cute but grumpy face. Well, you still smile in your sleep, so there's hope. :)

Love,
Mom

3 weeks old:

constantly thinking, even in her sleep.


tummy time in the baby einstein gym.

just squeezing in a short post here. baby girl is trying to settle down in the crib. i give her 15 minutes before she begins crying again. naomi doesn't like her bassinet anymore, or being swaddled (wrapped tightly), or any confined space, it seems. she'll roll over and kick and punch the walls of the bassinet. maybe she's claustrophobic. [nope, only 2 minutes -- she started crying again]

where does the time go?:

you probably hear all the time how quickly children grow up, how parents want their children to stay babies forever. but i have to admit that i'm anxious for naomi to get a little older. maybe to the point where crying isn't what she has to resort to to communicate with us. i knew the fun of putting the nursery together and choosing a baby name would soon be replaced with the responsibilities of nursing and changing diapers around the clock, but i must have forgotten the part where, between nursing and changing, is trying to console a screaming baby. or trying to wake her up to finish eating, which makes her mad again. poor manny is doing all the major chores right now and also working and also staying up with the baby. i can't remember the last time i saw his eyes so red. maybe finals week. it's harder now without manny around to distract her or get some forgotten items when i change or bathe her. and it's only been two days! haha.

last night, we finally got to celebrating our first mother's day together at about midnight. right before another crying spell. newborns are supposed to sleep 14-18 hours/day, right? wrong! after having visitors picking her up constantly, we're lucky if she gets even 8 hours per day now (and i'm lucky to get 4 hours total plus a couple 5-minute naps). not that i blame them, because i didn't put my foot down anyway (how could i?), but she didn't used to have that loud pick-me-up cry... today i began to let her cry in her crib and the playpen so she can learn to nap on her own after being fed and changed. of course, i'm standing nearby, making sure that she's not suffocating or anything. i feel like crying myself, seeing how i'm letting her suffer, but it's actually working so far. i know she's only 3 weeks old, but we can't really keep consoling her only to have her cry bloody murder again when we put her down. it's for her own good in the long run. that's also what i tell myself when i want to give up and switch to exclusive formula-feeding instead.

but the joy comes when she finally has that look of contentment after a good nap or meal. and when i remember that these small trials will pass (but not before they are used to grow me) and there is nothing God gives that He won't help me get through.

today's letter:
Dear Naomi,
I know today has been rough for you. I don't like to hear you cry. Even though you won't remember this time when you grow up, I will both cherish and be saddened by it. But we'll get through it together. I wish you could understand when we tell you we love you to pieces.
Love,
Your Mom

first day alone with naomi:

Random photo from today. Probably the last time you'll see her in this outfit -- it's too small (it's for a preemie).

happy bday, le!

manny's gone back to work and my mom left last night. i hardly got any rest when my mom was here, so today was to be a catch-up day for naps. but naomi had a bit of gas and it took a while to "resolve" that. :) after a couple hours, i finally got her to nap so i could shower (shower!! yeah baby!) and wolf down some food before feeding her again. everyday it gets a little better. all week, i thought i was looking forward to a good cry today, but i haven't felt like it at all. even after stepping on the scale (i'm kidding). speaking of which, i plan to work on losing this weight as soon as my incision is healed. i lost about 15 lbs after the birth and have lost 2 more lbs since. 28 lbs to go (or maybe 20 since everyone says the last 10 lbs are stubborn). still wearing the maternity clothes... it's not just the hormones -- the fat also affects my state of mind.

i called my friend esther today. her daughter is about 10 months old, so i enjoyed sharing our experiences. so much to look forward to. i find myself on the phone a lot more now. it's faster and easier than getting online. quite the opposite of pre-baby times. it's also a new level of connection with a number of friends who are already moms. thank God for the friends and family we have. sometimes i think about my brother -- my mom and i are probably all he has. i wish i could be there for him more often.

letter:
Dear Naomi,
Today was my first day alone with you. We had a good bonding day, praying, singing, talking (okay, I did all that and you listened kindly). I think you might've cried at my awful singing or yawned as I was talking. :) I don't do as good of a job as your daddy or grandmothers in helping you stop crying, but thank you for being very patient with me! I cherish you.

Love,
Mom

2 weeks old:

happy belated bday, tedd (last monday)!

only 2 weeks?: naomi's been lifting her head up, tracking faces with her eyes, and switching easily between nursing and the bottle since the first week. she definitely doesn't "sleep like a baby." she's more like me -- always hungry. she laughs in her sleep and crosses her eyes a lot, whether you're close or far away. maybe she'll be a quirky girl. i think i would like that. in her second week, she's been sucking her hand, grabbing at things, and pretty good at focusing on faces (except when she starts crossing her eyes).

mom is here: manny picked my mom up on friday morning and they went to ranch 99 to buy ingredients for the chinese post-partum diet. it's designed to make you sweat and yet you can't take a shower. i tried the sponge bath thing, but i think i was just too disgusted thinking about naomi drinking my sweat. i talked to my mom about it and she actually gave in. so at least i've been able to shower once this week. it's been difficult with my mom here. not because there's any tension or problems, just little nit-picky preferences i have. and i'm learning to pick my battles and let things go. this is a great opportunity for her to bond with naomi, but sometimes grandma takes her away while i'm in the middle of feeding her or picks her up when she's napping. she almost tripped twice already while holding her. my mom examines me while i'm nursing or comes through our door without knocking. this is stuff i grew up with, but maybe i've become so americanized or re-sensitized, i just feel like it's invading my space. or affecting my ability to bond with naomi (or put her on some type of routine). but just two more days and i'll have naomi all to myself. :)

named at last: so we settled on the chinese name and went with "shi-an" which means "hope (for) peace." it worked out well -- it's something easy to pronounce in english (for manny), has a spiritual meaning (for both of us), and my grandmother's name was "shi shuan," so my mom can identify with it. yay!

the last few days: our church has been so gracious preparing and dropping off some meals for us. i'm still sticking to the chinese diet, but have a few bites here and there. vivian came by and brought an awesome homemade roasted chicken meal. vicki gave us frozen lasagna and garlic bread. monica had her husband drop off a bacon-wrapped chicken (oh, how i miss bacon!) and pasta meal. i really want to eat it. my aunt and uncle visited last night. i decided not to bring up the whole fake ski trip fiasco, but let naomi be the focus. when she's asleep, she looks like any other newborn. but once she opens her eyes, the compliments start flying. i think it's because her eyes are windows to her personality, or at least her cuteness.

we had our first well-baby visit to the pediatrician on tuesday. naomi is now 7 lbs (she was 6 lbs 5 oz when we left the hospital) and 20 1/4". she was howling mad during the exam. and i unwittingly said, "oh, she's usually so good, she doesn't normally cry like this." manny had a big laugh about that -- man, i never thought i'd sound like one of *those* moms. haha.

letter:
Dear Naomi,
You turned 2 weeks old last night. You're changing before our eyes, doing something new, looking a little different every day. You're looking more and more like Daddy. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I'm reminded how you're a gift to both of us and a little sad that you're looking a little less like me. Last night, I overslept a little and missed one of your feedings by an hour and a half. I woke up to find you awake, vigorously sucking on your hand. It broke my heart. You don't cry or fuss very much -- we can't figure out where you got that from. :) Naomi means "pleasant," and that you definitely are. You are a joy to us and it gets better every minute.

Love,
Mom