Our anniversary was on a Wednesday. We already went out twice, so I wasn't expecting or needing to go out again. Really, it was just a special day. Manny wished me a happy anniversary in the morning, and I baked him a low-carb chocolate cake (thank you, Swerve). I've learned that every day is a day to celebrate and be at our best. It really was the best anniversary we've had in a long time, and yet a simple, ordinary day.
What I posted on social media :
Twenty years. Some say we look the same (maybe from a distance?), but we are definitely not the same kids we were then. Twenty years is no small thing, but it is just a number. I don’t take a single day for granted anymore. I was on autopilot for so long and lost sight of who I was and who we were. Sometimes you have to have a breakdown before a breakthrough. I thank God for restoring us, not just to how we were, but growing us and moving us forward to how He wants us to be. I look forward to this next leg of our journey.
I rarely post on Facebook anymore. I had gleefully done it for many years, but it's come to a point now where I don't have much motivation beyond archiving my photos there or updating the family. The environment can also get pretty toxic once people go to a verbal war over politics and other topics. But I do enjoy my friends' updates, tribute to loved ones, well wishes, pictures, etc. I guess social media can present an illusion, even to the presenter. For me, I felt our joy was real. I thought I never presented an illusion. But maybe I was too idealistic. While looking at what I felt was a bright future of us growing old together, I was neglecting the present. And at some point, I had to learn to let go of the past, both bad and good, and look at us as having a new marriage now. In order to do that, I had to find who I was, and learn to love her. Manny probably did as well, although now I've learned to respect him as his own sovereign individual. I am not responsible for his journey; God is. I can only look at working on being the best version of me, and bringing that Amy into our marriage.
What I've learned in the last year or two, I really could have learned long before I listened more to Manny. I think I filtered things through my own insecurities. The only filter you need (or I need) is this--men want to be respected, and women want to be loved first and foremost. Of course I want to be respected, and Manny wants to be loved, but I mean if I had worn that lens with what Manny was saying, it would have made a huge difference. For example, there was one year Manny asked for these Minion cupcakes. I'd just had Lucas, and was just incredibly tired, but I said okay, I have to do this for him. I went to four different stores with the kids in tow; I held Lucas under one arm and put faces on each and every one of those cupcakes with the other arm. I was beyond exhausted from lack of sleep and trying not to shake while baking the cupcakes. I wanted him to know--you are as special to me as the kids; I want to do this because it's your birthday. I seemed to think suffering was love! But you know what? I didn't have to do any of it. I am sure now that Manny would have given up those cupcakes just to have me respect myself and him enough to say, "I can't. I would love to make these for you next year." I think back now, I should have just thanked him each day rather than just on special occasions.
If I had told him half the respectful things I said to others about him, he would have known how I felt. I guess I took it for granted I only had to say these things on special occasions, and on those occasions I was supposed to make big sacrifices and go all out, only to feel some expectation there, and then unappreciated myself. Often I would complain later on, which would then show more disrespect and lack of gratitude, which really isn't what I'm about at all. I didn't want to believe it, but Manny was right. I often gave my best to others, even in the way I talked about to others, but forgot to tell him, too! You think marital vows are just being faithful to the other person, so I thought well, I've never cheated on or lied to Manny. We've been rich and poor, healthy and sick, and I don't plan on going anywhere till death. I'm good. But there are a lot more to the vows, like honor, love, respect--it wasn't so much the actions, but what defined my actions and my words. And those actions and words eroded our marriage. Not that Manny did nothing wrong, but I'm only able to control myself, so I'm focusing here on me.
Whatever "experts" tell you about relationships, a lot of it is not true, at least it wasn't for me. The best thing I ever did was take some time and think through what I've learned from others (or what I thought I learned) and compare that against God's Word and what Manny had said to me.
They say, it's okay to fight, just fight fair. Everyone fights, and it's better than no communication, right? Wrong. No, this is simply not true. We almost never fight anymore. Because I choose our intimacy and connection over stupidity and pride. I've learned to communicate smarter and better, which often means
less is more, and if you take some time and breathe, you'll realize it's not that big of a deal.
Or how about, prefer the other person? That's biblical, right? Depends on how it is executed. I thought I should always just go where Manny wanted to go for lunch, for example. I was taught that. But here's a secret--a man wants to make a woman happy. It is absolutely okay to say, "I want to have Mexican food for lunch." And when your husband comes through, as he often does, you receive it and show how thankful you are. I am actually a very thankful person, but for some reason, I just figured I didn't have to thank him for everything. B.S. Now I tell him and show him just how thankful I am. Just receive. Like if one of my children makes a card for me, I love it. And if they made one every day, I would love it every day. When people would compliment me, I would deflect. That maybe comes from being bullied so much as a child both at school and home. But now it is so much easier to just say thank you and receive it.
I was taught by one woman after another--how to cook, how to clean, how to iron, decorate, whatever. I poured my time and energy into making these recipes of foods Manny wasn't even into. I was so tired trying to run the household and deal with the lack of sleep and loneliness, I sometimes wished God would just take me home. But really, come on. Intimacy trumps all else. Have energy for your spouse, and for yourself, too. Now I put far less effort into cooking (helps that I have a new kitchen, thank you Manny). I cook the way my mom did, and Manny loves it. He said he's eating better than he ever has. And now that the kids are older, except for occasional interruptions from the youngest, I have and make time to be with my husband. All these realizations came too late in some senses, but I've lived by the mantra of it's never too late to learn. So, full speed ahead!
Socially speaking, how do women often talk? We go back and forth with opinions, we say how something relates to us, and it's all part of vulnerability and creating rapport, right? But sometimes it means we're thinking about what we're about to say or making it about us and not showing we are present. I used to think Manny was wrong to tell me to just be quiet and listen, but it's absolutely true. I can always give my opinion later, but for the moment, just really hear him. This has done wonders for our conversations. Did I tell you we don't fight anymore? We won't agree on everything, but we listen. We don't fight to be heard, which is often what fighting actually is. I used to think Manny was mad at me for whatever he was saying on the surface. But no, it's because I wasn't showing respect, gratitude, presence, love. And for me that comes in the form of saying and doing less, not more. Interesting the neighbors are arguing just as I'm typing this.
Here's another one: Schedule time to communicate more, including dates. Honestly, I don't think so anymore. Yes, I do show Manny I am listening, but I don't ask anymore can we talk about this or can we go on a date? I just say it if I need to pick his brain about something. We go out quite often now. I like the spontaneity. I don't actually want it to be like, oh we have to do this, but that was a mistake I made. When we were in counseling, he said you guys should go on a date after. I said Manny, we have to do that. I have to do this list of things, because the counselor says so. And that came off insincere to Manny, even though I was trying so hard to prove my love and dedication. That's kind of how I've always operated. I had to do well in school because my parents said so. I have to work overtime because my boss says so. I have to juggle way more than I can handle because these other women or my husband or even my kids say so (or at least I think they are saying so). Today, I am simply in touch with my feelings. I am more vulnerable. I have learned to let more and more of the real me come forward and not worry so much about doing what I'm "supposed to." I only have to answer to God. People have too many standards--how could I follow them all? So now, we are dating more than ever and communicating better than ever, without all the conscious effort. Love and respect first; everything else will follow. Just like seek God first, and everything else will follow.
I'm sort of rushing, so this is just off the top of my head. I'm sure there is a lot more I can write about what I've learned in the fire, but suffice it to say, I've walked through that fire and learned so much. I had these gratitude journals which were a great exercise, but now I no longer have to think of what I'm grateful for and write it down. I just feel very thankful in general. It helps with everything else you need in a relationship--forgiveness, acceptance, trust (even if damaged), growth.
