deserts and valleys (misc update):

I haven't been able to blog lately, because I've been busy.  It's also because Isaac is more independent now, so I have my hands freed up to do other things.  I'm often still out at classes, Lucas' speech therapy, or something else as well.  When I had peaks in blogging, most of the time I was holding a nursing, sleepy, crying, sick baby, or I was bedridden.  Blogging made the time pass more quickly.  But now if I want to blog, I usually have to schedule it in.

I've a friend from college who suffered a massive brain bleed/stroke on Saturday evening and has been unresponsive since.  She has a 2-month old.  I don't know if I can give more details than that, but please keep her (and her husband and baby) in your thoughts and prayers.

This is one of the many crises our friends and family have been facing.  I take a while to process what I hear or read, so thoughts are constantly swirling in my mind.  I am not very wise, but I care and try to listen.  Being connected with others is important to me, even though I'm introverted and need time to myself to be refreshed.

We have a lot going on right now in our family.  I've been getting more white hairs lately.  Nothing urgent, but just piled on.  For example, Manny pulled a muscle in his back, which the therapist said shortened his right leg.  I noticed his body suddenly looked lopsided (I suppose a wife would notice!).  Hopefully the therapy sessions will help.

As for me, I've come out of my doldrums and feel good, although there are some days I feel like I'm wandering through the wilderness again.  We are reading through the Gospels in 100 days with our small group, which has been so good for me.  I took an online class with a couple of friends which helped with my morning and evening routines (and motivation in general).  I am also exercising and eating better.  I am also taking a parenting class online, doing some homeschooling and special needs classes and research, and meeting regularly with Lucas' therapists.  I met up with his dyslexia tutor last Saturday.  Half of the meeting was to go over more methods of teaching him reading and spelling, and the other half ended up being a discipleship meeting (she's a pastor/church planter's wife and mom of two teens).  I really gleaned so much from her.  I just loved that time.

I do struggle with getting Isaac to sleep on his own.  Also, at least once a week, I also wonder what it would have been like to not be a full-time mom.  I thought I'd be going back to work for a little while or working from home at least, but Naomi was severely colicky and had constant health issues.  Then Lucas had learning disorders.  Now I have a third child going through the early years.  I was also tied to them, nursing them for two-plus years each. They also all had their own sleep issues.  The financial sacrifice was not a big deal for me, but sometimes I did wonder if giving up my health, time with Manny, and perhaps even sanity at times was worth it.  I want to say yes, but sometimes I wrestle with what would have been best for our family.  But there's no point looking back at what can't be changed.  I can see God's hand in keeping me exactly where I needed to be, even if I didn't like it.  I've been refined through this journey, and I would not trade any of my children for a career or more order in the home.  Now I look forward to watching them grow up and continuing to raise them to be a light in a dark world.

spoke too soon:

Thursday I felt better, but Friday I felt like I hit a brick wall.  I kept vomiting and didn't want to cook at all but forced myself to.  After dinner, I just crashed and was woken up every couple minutes by the kids, but could not get out of bed.  I tried the nausea wristband and ginger candies, but just wasn't feeling well.

Saturday I took Lucas grocery shopping, still feeling ill, and then in the afternoon I took Naomi to her friend Z's 8th birthday swim party.  There was a nice crowd there from church.  I dropped her off, so I don't have any photos, just mental pictures from them telling us how she just naturally did her backstroke as she relaxed.  She got a few pieces of candy from the pinata and shared some with Lucas.  Manny got his hair cut before that.  It's been almost 10 months since I've had a haircut, too, but it'll have to wait.  We headed out for a nice family dinner.  I was throwing up in the afternoon and just didn't feel up to cooking again.  Eating out is a luxury I'm thankful for, because once we have another, we might not be able to eat out for years.  On Sunday, we had quite a busy day in the church nursery, and by God's grace I was feeling okay until the end.  Manny surprised us with a Mediterranean lunch.  I'm thankful I didn't feel sick eating it, as it's one of my favorite cuisines.  The kids had a fresh Mediterranean chicken and vegetable pizza.  I was reminded of Italy; it was that good.  I didn't get the best picture of Lucas in time, which was his face completely stuffed with a scrunched up pizza with quite a bit sticking out.  He shoved it all in.  The waitress asked, "It's that good, is it?"  I asked for a napkin, and he wiped his face all over.  Really cute.  He also took some of his chicken and put it on Naomi's plate when she wasn't paying attention.  He's still like a vegetarian sometimes.

It's a strange feeling when all is well here at home, I'm looking ahead to a very busy week, and in come the calls from my parents.  My father's doctor says he might have new cancer cells forming.  My brother is missing yet again, but this time out in a desert area without the usual access to public restrooms and water and without any funds or clothing.  There's no homeless haven like he had in L.A. and he's not familiar with the area.  If he'd just cooperate, he'd be able to improve his life and function in society, but he hasn't really learned that lesson or can't.  My mom calls me at all hours of the day, but I've learned to sort of compartmentalize, because life has to go on.  A Christian Chinese medical professional is helping my parents out, but the biggest issue right now is that Social Security has put my brother's funding on hold and is saying my brother has a joint bank account that no one seems to know about.  And they won't talk to anyone but my brother, and he can't really talk to them, so the visit to their office was fruitless.  I'm hoping we can figure out what can be done legally to access and close that account.  Once my brother has the funding, he can get into a facility and get the care he needs.  

missing again:

We have not had any contact with my brother since August 21, when he was reportedly discharged from a medical center to an emergency shelter in Los Angeles.  My cousin Daniel went to the medical center and then the shelter, and they could not release info to him, except to say my brother was not in the shelter's database.  However, they do not always do a check-in, so it's possible he was there.  His most recent ATM statement shows that he had used up all $40 within the two days in the East L.A. area.  So we do not know of his activities since August 23.  Because it is his own bank account, we cannot help him out with any money.  Social Security also needs to find him in order to verify his current status, and that is the main reason we need to get a hold of him.  Unfortunately, he has not called, and we are not sure where we can find him.  He no longer has a conservator, as we had pushed to have him removed from his previous situation due to abuse and negligence.  Possibly because of that trauma, he will continue to flee the system.  Please pray for my brother's safety and get the word out for us if you know people in the area.  My cousin has set up a website at johnisloved.com with contact/tip information and photos.  My parents aren't well enough to drive out to file the missing persons report, which has to be done in person, but the LAPD has him in their database, so we're hoping it'll be an easy relaunch.

two long weeks:

When I found out that my brother had gone missing from a mental health facility, I spent three days making calls, researching, and contacting people for help.  One of my friends went out by the facility to pass out flyers, and someone said they'd seen him a few days before, wandering around on Whittier Blvd in L.A., but didn't know he was missing.  Of course, this made us feel worse, because we probably could have found him early on if we'd known he was missing.  My parents also told me he had reported being assaulted to them, and they didn't really believe him or do anything about it!  I wish they'd told me so that I could have looked into following up for him.  After that, he wasn't taking their calls, and I have a feeling that's why he ran away.

We canceled a barbecue we were going to host with friends, and the kids had to keep themselves occupied for long stretches.  It was hard to get everything I needed to get done, and Manny didn't seem to understand all that I was going through.  That Friday morning, I found out my father had gone to urgent care for passing a lot of blood, and they had discovered a tumor.   Manny encouraged me to go, and I booked a flight down to help search for my brother the next day.  My sister-in-law arrived to pick me up, and I'm so thankful to have a situation where my in-laws and parents live by each other.  I had to take the kids, but Grandma was able to watch them while I was out.  The day I arrived, my parents cried to my in-laws about their situation.  I know it felt hopeless for them, and between wondering if their son was alive and wondering if my dad would live, it was a lot to handle in one week.

After my in-laws left my parents' house, I got to work, looked things up online, contacted some friends and family, then we drove out about half hour to make copies of the flyers at the only place still open in the area.  Then I went back to get the kids to bed.  The next morning, a Sunday, we drove out about 2.5 hours to start searching for my brother.  It was a shot in the dark, going to a place we knew he liked to visit and looking for a needle in a haystack (but a big needle--there aren't that many large Asians wandering the streets alone).  We walked for eight hours in the heat with a few breaks, all over the city and back and forth, and I don't know how my parents did it.  My father was in great pain from his condition, and my mother had taken a nasty fall on the curb early on.  But they walked faster than me!  We stopped twice for a quick bite.  I was really tired and sore, and knew I was possibly pregnant, but I still plodded on and drank Coke against my better judgment.

Our route started at the beach where we parked.  We walked up to the police station to get some information.  It was apparent that my parents needed me there due to their limited English and my father's aversion to crowds.  It was just like when I was a little kid and had to always ask for info for them, except back then I could barely see over the counters.  We went to the high school and gave a flyer to security.  Then my father and I both thought we ought to speak to a few of the homeless people.  I gave a couple of them the last box of McNuggets we had. We were directed to various shelters and walked all over town.  One in particular was very hard to get to, but once we were there, a number of people recognized my brother and said they'd seen him.  One said he'd probably be back at the Pier, so back we went again.  It was a tremendous joy, even though they were saying he was just standing there or trying to hide by a building in the middle of the night.  We knew he was not well, and the shelter wasn't open during the weekend for food, nor were its beds open to the public.  But he was seen alive, and we felt we were close.  My parents kept thinking random people were him.  I know it was wishful thinking and felt bad for them.  It didn't help that I would say, "But that guy's blonde!"  "He's way too tall!"   "That's a woman!"  We went back to take some of the flyers down, concerned now that if he were found, the police would take him back to the facility from which he'd escaped.

At the end of the day, we sat down on a bench.  I thought of how beautiful it was, yet I couldn't enjoy it wondering where my brother was.  But I believed we'd find him.  My parents dropped me off at home, and a short time later, they called me to say that one of the shelter attendants had called saying they had my brother but couldn't keep him.  After this we had some back-and-forth interactions with a number of county lawyers, and after a hearing, the facility and public guardian no longer have conservatorship over him.

Knowing my brother was alive, even if not perfectly well, gave us comfort.  We then had to deal with my parents' health.  My parents needed me there to fill out paperwork and translate for the doctor.  After the first appointment, we learned it could either be renal (kidney) cancer or renal tuberculosis.  My father and I had a good talk and reached closure on some issues.  I think my parents go back and forth on the existence of God, needing Him in a desperate situation as many do, but they don't really think of Him as more than a cosmic force and don't believe the gospel of the Bible.

After several appointments and a second CT scan, we were told last Friday that it is most likely cancer.  The good news is that even with the removal of a kidney and possibly an adrenal gland, my dad can function with one kidney.  His surgery is set for the 23rd of this month, if those of you who pray could pray for him.  My in-laws were kind enough to offer to give him a ride to the hospital.  He has an excellent urologist, largely due to Medicare.  My mother, not yet 65, has to go to the county clinic, which is pretty horrendous.  I remember it being not entirely helpful when I went growing up, since we didn't have insurance.  It took six weeks before she got the result of her TB test, which was negative.  This week they should be able to determine the cause of her incessant cough.  I hadn't planned on telling them I was expecting until the end of the first trimester, but I couldn't enter the CT room due to radiation, so I had to tell them.

The kids had a pretty nice time for the most part.  They got to run in the sprinklers or play with the hose a few of the days.  A heatwave rolled in, and the car thermometers read about 110-120°F.  The second weekend we were there, my sister-in-law took us on a picnic at the park, and then we went to McDonald's.  Lucas likes the playplace, but he needs Naomi to help him up, and often when she makes new friends her age, he gets left behind.  I wish he knew how to make his own friends, but he just clings to Naomi.  I don't want him to be unsociable when he grows up, but often other kids find him a little odd or quiet, and he gets bossy with adults, which is also not acceptable.  Aside from that Saturday, I stayed in and watched the Olympics or hung out with Lucas the days I was home, except one day when M and her kids stopped by to visit.  Naomi went with the grandparents to the store or her aunt's house a couple times.  The kids ate well, played with the dogs (Lucas teased them), and spent time with their grandparents.  We went out to Old Spaghetti Factory the day before we left, and the kids really enjoyed it.  The kids meal is rather huge.  They probably could have split one between them.  Naomi picked the fried ravioli appetizer, pasta with meat sauce, minestrone, and spumoni for dessert.  Needless to say, it was a happy ending to our stay there.

update (now my dad):

Due to legal reasons, I've removed info and updates about my brother, but feel free to email me if you are a friend who is not on Face.book.

My father has a possible diagnosis of either renal cancer or renal tuberculosis.  Both are treatable, and it appears there is no metastasis (spreading), but we'll find out for sure next week.  Please pray for his health and state of mind, especially with all the stress lately.

update on lucas:

Lucas's condition appears to have started improving this afternoon.  It could be the antibiotics or it could be clearing on its own (like a viral infection), but either way we're so thankful and praising God.  I received a copy of the results online, a great service from our provider. I noticed his urine sample was indeed flagged for the presence of proteins in the urine, contrary to what the doctor told me, so just from my medical transcription studies, working in an Endocrinology/Nephrology department at a hospital, and Google, it appears that he probably has renal insufficiency.  I guess we'll see after the rest of the results come in, but for now, we're so thankful for any improvement, let alone this much improvement.

prayer request for lucas:

Please pray for Lucas, who has gross hematuria (an abnormally large amount of whole red blood cells in the urine).  This morning he didn't urinate as usual.  I gave him water until he finally went to the bathroom at 2pm.  He said that it hurt to go, and the urine came out quite dark and bloody.  I immediately called the doctor's office and there was just one opening today, with a different doctor than ours.  So thankful someone was able to see us within a half hour of my call.  Both kids waited patiently, and Lucas actually seemed excited to be there, saying, "Yes, yes, I want to see the doctor."  We gave him some more water for a urine sample, which was successful, and it looked like cranberry juice, quite red.

The doctor came in and told Lucas he could sit in my lap, but Lucas said he would get on the table and climbed up there.  He seemed to enjoy the real-life version of the many doctor/vet games Naomi and he have played.  Temperature and blood pressure were completely normal.  A fever or high BP might have indicated a bacterial infection.  He pressed on Lucas's abdominal organs.  No sign of pain, so kidney stones were unlikely.  No vomiting or diarrhea to indicate a stomach bug.  No dehydration, no constant urination to indicate bladder problems.  No sore throat, which would indicate possible issues with the tonsils or adenoids.

The doctor did an initial urine analysis which showed no trace of bacteria.  While the doctor was entering information, Naomi brought Lucas a few toys to play with, but Lucas said, "I can't play right now, Naomi.  I'm seeing the doctor."  After checking a couple things, the doctor narrowed it down to a few possibilities and said it was most likely hemorrhagic cystitis, possibly due to a viral infection.  He also said if there was no virus, it could be some other type of bladder infection or even hemophilia.  He gave me the option of having blood drawn, and I definitely wanted to cover the bases.  I also dropped off the rest of the sample for a full urinalysis.

I was praying for wisdom and received some.  I decided to explain to Lucas what was going to happen with the blood test rather than catching him by surprise and losing his trust, which is a big deal with our kids.  He seemed pretty frightened but remained brave.  The lab workers had him squeeze his eyes shut, and I suddenly decided to count to 30 loudly, and it seemed to distract him.  He didn't cry or make a sound.  What a brave boy!  What an answer to prayer!

Afterward I took the kids to an Indian ice cream shop.  Lucas was fighting back tears and looking at his arm as we got out.  I know it was scary and painful, but his mood quickly changed when he saw his treat.

A couple hours later, the doctor called to give us some reassuring news and some not-so-reassuring news.  The reassuring news was that there were no white blood cells or proteins in the blood to indicate a bacterial infection or nephritis (kidney infection).  The bad news was that there were also results in conflict with that.  For example, there were nitrites in the urine which would indicate the presence of bacteria, even though three other results showed no bacteria.  He ordered a culture test to confirm, and put Lucas on antibiotics anyway just in case.  The results also showed a large amount of whole red blood cells.  Usually blood in the urine can be alarming, but broken red blood cells can diffuse and make it appear worse than it is.  In this case, for reasons still unclear, the kidneys are letting a large amount of unbroken blood cells through.  It's definitely gross hematuria.  However, since there were no proteins in the urine, this didn't fully indicate renal insufficiency.  Also, painful urination is usually associated with a bladder infection and not the kidneys.  Lucas cannot communicate specifics to us about the locations or intensity of the pain.  Hopefully with further testing, we'll get more answers.  The doctor is currently looking at nephritis as a possibility.

I started Lucas on the antibiotics, but it troubles me a little because they work the kidneys hard as well.  But I guess you have to weigh the good vs. the bad. I'll be sure to give him probiotics after the 10 days.  I'm praying that it'll clear up soon, and that it is "just" an infection that will soon pass.  If you remember, please pray for our precious son.

prayer request:

For those who pray, please keep my mother-in-law in your prayers.  She is having back surgery on Monday.  Thank you!

Update:  She came out at 11 am okay.  Please pray for her continued recovery.

prayer and help request:

A friend of ours appears to have lost at least part of her home in the huge gas explosion in San Bruno, CA.  She and her family are all safe and were thankfully not home during the explosion.  Apparently people had been smelling gas for days.  Four people died and dozens were injured.  There were accounts of people driving through walls of fire or running up the hills as the flames chased them.  Another family we know has a home closeby, but they and their home were spared.

eta:  How to Help  I suppose the influx of traffic and not being able to exactly match the donation with a recipient would be more hassle for the aid organizations than they're worth, so money and blood are the way to go.

prayer request and update:

Our friends, the Mortensens, have been devastated by the news that the pastor heading up the Pak.istani adoption program and his brother were gunned down in public as they were being escorted by police.  This was reportedly after they had been found innocent on charges of blasphemy.  Please pray for the welfare of their surviving family members and the people of the nation.  Also pray for the Mortensens, who will not be able to bring an orphan over from that country as planned. 

My friend's baby, whom I mentioned was born at 25 weeks and out of the country, has just been released from the hospital.  The baby can't leave the country as of yet, but this is great news.  He's already up to 4.7 lbs, last I heard.

prayer needed:

If you pray, please pray for my family, particularly my brother.  There has been a growing crisis in the past several weeks, and it reached a climax (or low point) today.  You can contact me directly for details.  Thanks so much.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." -- Proverbs 3:5

prayer updates:

Re:   My friend who had the baby at 25 weeks.  The baby is growing, but probably will be in the hospital for another 4 weeks.

Re:  My family.  They seem to be doing okay, but things are very unpredictable and tension is high.

prayer:

My parents and brother are having a sort of crisis/emergency at the moment.  Please pray.  You can email me if you want any more details.  Thank you.

prayer request:

Please pray for a friend who had her baby early, at 25 weeks, while traveling out of the country. I can't give any other details, but prayers are greatly appreciated.

honor and communication:

A couple days ago, Naomi wanted to write down all the ways she had honored me that day, from picking up some of Hurricane Lucas' debris to giving me something cold when I slightly burned my hand.  She dictated while I wrote it down.  These were things she did on her own without my asking.  I was surprised that she recognized the difference.  I did talk to her about letting praise come from someone else, and then I praised her.

I think this book we're reading about honor in the family says a lot--you get into habits in how you deal with specific people.  Maybe we learn those habits by being rewarded for them, or it's because we were raised that way ourselves, or we imitate or go against behavior we've seen.  I grew up in a (very traditional Chinese) home where honor was always mandatory, yet usually external.  When I say "honor" here, I mean from the heart.

Manny often has to remind me to honor the children more, rather than see them as distractions to what we need to get done.  I am often harsh toward Naomi, and forgetting she's just four, I can act like a four-year-old myself. 

Honor goes hand in hand with communication.  Manny is a pretty quiet person, but if you get to know him, you'll find he's an excellent communicator, and at the forefront of that is the fact that he truly listens.  I don't mean just hearing it, but he'll get back to you, he'll pray for you, he'll tell his wife all about what you've said without relating it to his own situation.  He doesn't make it "about him."  And he does it in such a way that it doesn't matter where you are from or what your personality is--he looks out for the little guy.  He's not perfect, of course.  We misunderstand and misjudge each other often, but with honor and respect, we always can work it out.  Towards others, Manny says too little and I say too much--I think a happy medium between us would help others understand us better.  I've learned that not only do I have to consider wisdom, but honor as well.

"Communication"--it's such an blanket, almost trite, word.  What does improving it mean?  Talking more?  Listening more?  Saying just the right words?  Knowing your audience?  It's probably all of it, but I think that if we honor someone, and seek to honor God, good communication will follow.  We will have the desire to work things out, to help that person grow, and really get to know them to the point where we can understand each other.  The truth is, we often try to communicate, but we're speaking different languages.  And it takes time and immersion and effort to truly learn a language.  First you learn to understand it, then you learn to speak it.

prayer requests:

My mother had an episode of angina last week or possibly a mild heart attack (a nurse treated her with nitroglycerin, so the diagnosis is unclear). She didn't want to worry me and didn't tell me until I asked. My brother's emails hinted something was wrong. The last I heard, they do not have insurance. My mother is not a Christian and not receptive to it yet. If you're a believer, please pray for her health and more importantly that she would come to know the peace and joy of Christ today. She hasn't met Lucas yet, but it would be even more devastating for me not to worship with her in eternity.

Also, I know this is strange to mention, but remember the musician we saw recently? He's begun a 2-year jail sentence for violating his parole (stemming from a drug possession conviction). I have my personal feelings about rehab vs. prison, but anyway, he had said in an interview that he had found Jesus Christ, and God had helped him beat the addiction. If all is true, let's pray for our brother through this trial. Remember brethren exist across racial lines and church walls.

There's some fear and hatred online regarding the vote last night. I trust in God's sovereignty in all things, and like my friends says, we place our hope not in mortal man but in the Immortal Man. It'll be alright. I do hope that people will be reached out to more as a result--the poor, orphans, widows, elderly, all those in need.