it's not a competition:

Last night I was nauseous and couldn't sleep or breathe.  This morning I threw up for three hours and had all kinds of orange (Cactus Cooler; remember that drink?) mucus.  I was just about to call Manny, but after some prayer my symptoms completely disappeared.  I'm thinking I might have eaten something I was allergic to, but I'm not sure.  I still got through school and our afternoon party--either too determined or stubborn, I guess.  I'm glad in the end Manny was able to make it out to the UCLA-Stanford game with Chris.

Thanksgiving came early this year, so for some there seemed to be this limbo week.  Some of my friends and acquaintances seem to have joined either of two camps--either they started Christmas traditions/decorating early or side-eye those who did.  Some FB posts show a completely decorated home and favorite songs while others can be summarized with, "I'm rolling my eyes at you people."  The truth is that Christmas songs don't make anyone more holy nor do decorations make anyone less holy.  The spirit of charity and goodwill should be year-round, even if heightened by reminders during the season (like the rain pouring down on the homeless).  If you're not in the mood for baking cookies, then don't do it.  Take the money and put it into a charitable organization.

I understand the concern, though.  We want to make sure our view of the advent of Christmas isn't muddled by the commercial season and spending time on ourselves, but truly giving out and living out this good news to others.  We just can't judge that based on a wreath or some Christmas lights, which isn't so different from any other hobby one has.  Sure, Christmas isn't a song or a sweater, but no need to shun those things.  I've mentioned before the documentary God Grew Tired of Us, where one of the lost boys asks what decorating a tree has to do with Christ.  I'm glad he pointed that out.  With its pagan origins, the tree has pretty much nothing to do with Jesus's birth.  We put one up some years and not others; no big deal.  It was very fun watching the kids decorating the tree this year, so it's something I look forward to doing with them.  They won't get it mixed up if we help them (like Naomi's true Christmas spirit song).

Anyway, Christmas is not a competition.  Peter need not ask about John, but just follow Jesus.  Lay aside every encumbrance including a critical heart, follow the Spirit, give to others.  Rejoice!

o christmas tree:

Even though we've been sick, the kids still kept things festive by decorating the house and the tree.  I still enjoy our humble $14 tree from a discount store after all these years, especially this year as Manny moved the tree down to the floor (I had it on an end table for years for fear of it being knocked down).  The kids did all the tree trimming themselves, the first year both are old enough to do so.  In moments like those, I think about how I can't let a situation or person get me down, because the love, life, the world are all so much bigger than whatever mental prison we keep ourselves in sometimes.

No one is worthless before God.  People have put me down all my life, and I go through cycles of letting that get to me, joining in, and then rising above it.  If you put others down, you're really putting yourself down.  This is all cryptic, but there is a lot that comes to my mind each winter, and it always feels like a personal cleansing time.  And I don't mean a trip to the spa, but looking inward by looking outward, by realizing there's a world out there, a suffering world, greater than you and me that needs you and me.  There's already joy in Christmas, so I choose to spread it and not be a Scrooge (which I definitely used to be)!

Anyway, back to happy photos:

Lucas couldn't stop laughing.  I gave up on him holding still after numerous tries over a couple hours.

Naomi put up a garland.

Lucas hanging a Veggie Tales ornament from a friend.

I love the stories each handmade ornament tells.

Naomi hung up the stocking with care.  These are all from my mother-in-law.

Naomi put her $5 battery-operated train under the tree for effect.  Certainly the poor man's version of Grandma's tree, but it's very us!

Snoopy Santa from my sister-in-law in a sleigh we found at a former neighbor's garage sale.

And the reason for the season--a lovely nativity scene my mother-in-law gave us many Christmases ago.

happy thanksgiving:

I'm still recovering from illness and fatigue, but with some shortcuts and help from Manny, I made it through cooking Thanksgiving dinner.  This was our first year celebrating without Manny's side of the family.  We missed them, and Naomi talked all night about her grandma.  :) 

Our centerpiece was a Thanksgiving tree with bible verses regarding thanksgiving printed on the leaves.  Four of the leaves were for us to write what we were thankful for.  Lucas said he was thankful to God that he could fix things (usually by fixing, he means making things neat and orderly).  The rest of us of course had the standard list--Jesus, family, friends, church, food, etc. (well, Naomi wrote "butts"--"What would we poop out of?")  We finally used our wedding china.  We only have six dinner plates, so I never use them when family's over.

I skipped the homemade cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes since no one would really eat those but me, and I bought the gravy since only Naomi and I eat it.  She and I sure missed my mother-in-law's homemade gravy!  Manny went out and bought a pumpkin pie and whipped cream the day before.  So I just had the crudites, turkey, mashed potatoes, peas, corn, and stuffing to make.  I wanted to make my home-cooked spiced cider, but I didn't specify, so Manny bought sparkling cider, which Naomi was really happy about, so it was a win anyway.  It still took all day, but it was a lot easier than it would have been.  Manny did all the dishwashing and clean-up, which is not easy because we do ours by hand.  He also carved for the first time.  Lucas fell asleep right before dinner; he has to catch up from when he was really sick.  Our friend O came over after work; her husband was visiting his mom who is terminally ill with cancer.  She made it feel a little more like a true Thanksgiving.  :)  I did wish I could have served her something fancier, but it was the perfect meal for Manny, who likes it simple but tasty.  I so appreciated her coming over, although I'm praying I was no longer contagious.

I got a pre-brined 14-lb all natural turkey from Trader Joe's.  All I did was loosen the skin and load it with gobs of butter.  I did baste a couple times, but our oven is such that you really don't want to open it too often or the temp settings get wacky.  Manny said it came out moist and delicious.  He's a white-meat fan, so that was good for him.  I also bought the cornbread stuffing from Trader Joe's, which was good.  I used to help my dad stuff our chickens with just toast, onions, butter, salt, and pepper.  Stuffing has a lot of nostalgia for me.   

Our leftover turkey has gone to a delicious omelet prepared by Manny and a leftover turkey pot pie (next time I'll skip putting the gravy in it).  It might be turkey enchiladas tonight, and I'll be making bone soup again.  I miss my in-laws' turkey tacos.  They are seriously the best ever. 

Lucas put all the leaves on the branches.

Relish platter with what the kids like--carrots, celery, orange and yellow bell peppers, Persian cucumbers, olives, and a separated bowl of sweet pickles for Manny and Lucas.  Naomi also got to have Coke for this special occasion!

Lucas asleep before he's had any turkey.

A lovely bird.  Naomi said she felt sorry for turkeys and chicken, but she likes to eat them anyway.

The carver gets into position.

Nothing fancy, just us.

Thank you, Lord, for Thanksgiving.

happy birthday to manny:

Despite the illness and the rain, God granted us a wonderful family day celebrating Manny's birthday.  Manny's parents called, he opened his presents from them, I bought our Thanksgiving groceries, we had a celebratory birthday brunch, opened presents, watched college football, and had dinner and birthday cake/dessert.  Everything worked out so well--even the Bruins and Cardinal won in dramatic upsets!  Lucas held on as long as he could and even sang Happy Birthday to Manny on his own, but alas, he fell asleep, so he's MIA from a birthday photo once again.

We had a delicious garden omelet souffle and Swedish pancakes.

Manny reading his card while the kids begin to open his presents (Red Tails and Punch-Out video game).

Naomi came up with her own surprise present--she put her big bear in a World's Greatest Dad shirt and made him a card.  She's a sweetie.

I made a 3-layer lemon cake.  It was supposed to be from scratch and four layers, but I was too exhausted.  Also some petite treats from Trader Joe's.

Happy birthday!  First time I've used trick candles--they lasted longer than I thought they would.

halfway there, with mixed feelings:

I'm writing this having only slept 2-3 hours a night for the past three nights, so please bear with typos and everything else.  Lucas has been coughing continuously until he vomits, so there's been little sleep for him and me.  Humidifier, vaporizer, lots of Vicks, vitamins, cough drops, warm fluids, even Benadryl hasn't done much.  I've been doing everything I can to keep Manny and Naomi from waking.  Sometimes I have to run around at night with vomit-covered clothes, rush Lucas to the bathroom, or go up and down the stairs for water, but otherwise I'm curled up in the corner of Lucas's bed waiting for the next episode.  I am more keenly aware than ever that I'm halfway through the pregnancy.  If I start dozing off, Lucas coughs or the baby kicks.  This is a reminder of the fatigue I'm about to endure once again, a reminder of how I try to stay healthy for my family's sake even though it feels like a losing battle.

I am still barely showing, but thankfully all the exams show normal results so far.  I have a long torso, and the baby is still breech, so I'm not as worried about not showing.  My (always needless) worry is the amount of stress I've had the past few months.  When I was pregnant with Naomi, I had a lot of work-related stress, including fighting against the impending dissolution of my group and sexual harassment.  I had a very difficult delivery with her, and she was extremely colicky and not well-developed.  I couldn't help wondering if there was a correlation.  Life happens, and I've faced major crises many times in my life and moved on, but I can't help being concerned...and sometimes depressed.  The stress and lack of rest this time around is worse, both from crises and everyday responsibilities.  The pregnancy is already risky due to my hip and uterus problems, and I was told by physicians I shouldn't have any more.  I get worried when the doctor can't find the heartbeat for a moment.  I keep checking for blood.  I've had nightmares that the baby didn't make it.  If there's pre-partum depression, I probably have it.  I can't complain about my life--I have great friends, family, church, a roof over my head, a variety of food, and most of all, Jesus Christ--but I'm wrestling with my physical weaknesses.  I'm feeling my age, along with all these years without a full-night's sleep.  Raising strong-willed kids has its rewards but is exhausting.  Sometimes Naomi is my little angel and gives me the exact encouragement I need.  Lucas won't tell me he loves me anymore and refuses to hug or kiss me.  :P  Manny is a good husband, but I still struggle with asking him for help or encouragement directly.

So I'm starting to ponder if it's okay to make my life easier by not giving the best to this child.  Is it less loving if I don't breastfeed this time?  Is it okay to stop making homemade organic baby food and spend loads of money on packages that aren't fresh?  How will I get a bedtime routine going while wrestling with the other two?  I still have to raise all of them, but at least the other two are potty-trained.  I don't have family closeby, and babysitters have their own lives.  I can't expect my husband to change diapers or get up at night--he really cannot function without a full night's rest (and I can't really either, but I can find ways to rest and won't get fired from my job).  On the rare occasion he has extended time off, he has projects to catch up on, so I still have to be with the kids.  But at least we feel more whole with him around at all.  I love my kids, but I'm introverted and need time alone to feel refreshed, which doesn't really happen (except the few times I've locked myself in the bathroom or bedroom for a few minutes to regroup or when I stay up later or get up earlier than everyone else, which makes me more tired).  It's hard to find quality time with Manny, too, even at night.  I pray about that all the time.  I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but I was finally getting time to deal with my hormone, fatigue, and allergy problems this year.  I was taking these thyroid supplements and Allegra, and doing Zumba, all which seemed to help tremendously, but now that I'm pregnant, I'm back to that constant low.  It's just a few more months, though, maybe.  It's another reason I want to skip nursing.  I nursed both kids till they were two, mostly out of desperation and their digestive and sleep issues.  At least I didn't have to deal with weaning them from their thumb or a pacifier or even a security item, which sounds more challenging.  So, will I be willing to let this one suffer a little more, and will it backfire?

When I cut back on responsibilities, as I'm often advised, something else comes up and takes its place.  Perhaps the Lord is teaching me to rejoice in my suffering and pray more, rather than wish for different circumstances.  A desire for immediate pain relief isn't always the right response.  Other moms suggest I take some time for myself, but it's so hard to find it.  I am actually okay with personal time management; I've never been a procrastinator and love to finish things ahead of time.  I have always been big on punctuality and finishing what I start, but I'm not in full control of everyone and everything around me, so sometimes there are delays.  It's energy management that gets me every time.  I only have so much energy, little to no breaks (I'm taking one right now while waiting for Lucas's coughing fit to subside with the Hyland's syrup--it works!), and I feel pulled in every direction.  A month or two after the baby is due, Naomi has her STAR testing, Lucas has speech therapy, graduation from other activities.  I wonder, if this baby isn't easy, how will I do it?  Will it be safe to drive?  God's grace has sustained me all these years, but that doesn't mean making my life more comfortable, just more focused on Him.

I finally took a shower just now after four yucky days.  I really should get a haircut, too.  It's been almost a year, but that's just how it is.  I'm not procrastinating, but taking care of myself has always been low on the priority list.  I keep saying to myself that some "me" time will come eventually, but just when I got a taste, we got pregnant again.  Of course I want this baby, but it was a surprise, and the timing has been a little crazy.  When it rains, it pours!  We also gave away almost everything baby-related, and I've only been able to get the carseat back.  Most everything else has been passed on or sold, but we know we don't need as much this time and can minimize or borrow.  I'm making it through with four pairs of maternity pants, two of which are flare pants (not my favorite), but it's hard to find anything for my petite legs, so I'll take it.  My mother-in-law might be throwing us a shower, which is so thoughtful and a huge help to us.  I felt a little guilty since this will very likely be our last baby, but I figure the items will be in that much better condition for the next recipients.  PS Don't let this prompt any of you to do anything for us--God will provide.

hanging out, growing up:

Last Saturday I met up with M to chat over coffee (I don't drink coffee, so I had a caramel apple cider).  It was great to catch up.  I'm pretty sure I won't have so many opportunities once we have a third, so I'm enjoying it while I can.  I got up early to buy groceries, made lunch, and then went out with M while Manny watched the kids and the Stanford game.  I got back when Chris arrived, and the men took Naomi out to see Wreck-It Ralph while I stayed home with Lucas.  I really wanted to see it, too, but our kids don't filter what they watch, so movies are a little too much for Lucas right now.  We went out for Mexican food (I'm still craving spicy food, and the kids like their tacos).  We came home, and the kids put on the disco lights to make a little nightclub in the living room before bed.  Chris crashed on our couch.

I made some breakfast, we went to church (always awesome), and then had lunch at Subway.  I got upset about something and left to go run errands and calm down.  I came back and took Naomi out again, because I forgot to buy rice, of all things.  We had Japanese curry chicken for dinner.  I didn't know till later that the guys had talked about seeing Skyfall, so I felt really bad I made them miss it, even if unintentionally.  Just another way I'm being humbled each day.  I'm glad to say I'm better than I used to be, especially in patience toward the kids, though I have a long way to go.  Still, I'm thankful when friends offer kind and loving words and show me our friendship means something to them.  Who knows if it's all true, but it encourages me to be even more like that.  I just have to learn to not be so reactive and love my family without condition.  Like a pastor used to say, we have to learn to be thermostats (a good influence and reflection of Christ) rather than thermometers (changing temperatures according to another's influence or what's going on around me).

Yikes, I have no make-up on (and I need it), but friendship is beautiful.  :)

Food made and served by Mexicans, so you know this place is the truth.

party time:

These days, I have to look at my calendar or the camera just to see what we did a few days ago.  I definitely have pregnancy brain, and I was already absent-minded to begin with.  We went to an annual All Saints'/Wedding Anniversary party hosted by friends from our old church last Friday.  It's always nice for us to catch up with old friends and watch them dance (it's been a while since I've been able to participate).  Naomi likes to hang out with the girls, and Lucas likes the ice creams sundae bar.  That reminds me--I'd asked our HOA about hosting an ice cream social this past summer, but they said only one other family expressed interest in a neighbor night.  Going to keep trying!

Anyway, there was a lot of food and dancing.  On their 35th wedding anniversary, the hosts welcomed a new grandchild!  The husband wrote a sweet and funny poem for his wife.  Love it.  Afterward, a (single) friend asked if we wanted to catch the late showing of S.kyfall.  The days of being able to go out to late-night movies (at least together) are well behind us, so my decline of the invitation was really for the next 10 years.

Lucas got his usual vanilla ice cream with gummy bears.  I don't eat that much sweets, but I really like my moose tracks with caramel sauce and coconut.

Mrs. Z, a widow, used to teach Naomi as a toddler/preschooler, and Naomi still remembers her.  I felt an immediate kinship to her when I met her 15 years ago.  She reminds me of my mom.

Manny and K catching up.

weekend catching up with friends:

On Saturday, I treated my friend O to a belated birthday dinner.  I'm thankful that Manny watched the kids so we could go, especially with Lucas being pretty stubborn lately and requiring a lot of discipline.  O picked an Italian place that offers a complimentary pasta dish to take home.  It took us quite a while to find parking, and we waited an hour and a half to be seated, but we made it!  There was a mistake with our table, so we ended up with a free plate of calamari and a big booth to ourselves.  For part of the wait, we went shopping for O, and she found a couple nice items on sale, including a scarf for just $5.  A blessed birthday for O!  

Sunday after church we went out for yummy Korean fried chicken with our friend B while Naomi went to her friend's house to play.  I missed the sermon and church update because I was in the nursery, but Manny filled me in, and it's encouraging to hear us being very plugged into our community and global missions.  Naomi decided to give to Red Cross to help with the hurricane relief.  I have a friend in NJ who escaped when the storm came.  The last I heard they had fuel and water, but no power.  It was also a bit surreal to see my old hometown underwater in news photos.  Can't really complain about the fluctuating temperatures here.

Mangia!  Mangia!  (I forgot my camera, and my phone has no flash.)

Delicious lemon cookies on the house (but I took them home and we ordered a tiramisu).

With B at Korean fried chicken.

it's another boy!

Everything looked fine at the detail ultrasound last week.  They'll count me as being 19 weeks along today, but the due date has changed three times based on measurements, so they said they'd have to consult on the c-section date/window.  I'm unable to deliver naturally because of issues with my hips and uterus, but having c-sections is literally a pain because of my adverse reactions to anesthesia.  But I just pray everything will go as best as it can, and we'll have another little boy at the end of March!

I was fine either way, but it felt like a boy.  Manny was certain it was a boy.  A little brother would be good for Lucas.  I think Naomi's been very patient with all his wrestling and roughness, and Lucas could use a male friend.  He doesn't open up easily.    

The baby continuously turned his back to the ultrasound, and was in breech position, so there were no face or thumbsucking shots this time, but we had a great view of his spine!  However, unlike Naomi and Lucas in the womb, he was quite cooperative in letting us know his gender.  So there is no doubt it's a boy.

On a side note, I haven't been keeping too many notes about the pregnancy; too busy and tired with the ones I already have, among other things.  Some notable differences from the other pregnancies are that I'm craving spicy foods, sometimes tomatoes, and not gaining weight as rapidly.  

Little toes.

Nice leg.

Top of the head.  Not much space in there.

The only 4D they could get, but toes are nice.  :)

i want candy:

The kids say they don't like the yucky stuff at Halloween, but they certainly do like the candy.  They get their sweet tooth from their dad.  Thankfully, Lucas follows the one-candy rule very well.  Even when someone tries to hand him more than one, he'll insist on only taking one.  :)  Naomi had three opportunities to score candy (actually four, but we forewent it to go to the pumpkin farm).  She put our candy in a nice bowl to hand out to the neighbors, and we had a good share of them come by.  We even got a package from Grandma and Grandpa, which the kids made them happy, to say the least:

Halloween celebration and dance at her hip-hop class.

With her dance partner and good friend E.

Naomi and another good friend R. at the Harvest Festival.  They both got their costumes out of their closets.

Naomi rehearsed saying "trick or treat" with Lucas at home, but when it came time to say it, he said he was too shy.  :)  But he still went up to the doors on his own.

A couple homes had spider web lights up.  The other one had a moving lighted spider.  I am really into lights and wouldn't mind them at every holiday.

The day after Halloween, Lucas asked if we could go out again when Manny got home and get some more candy.  Sorry, buddy!

pumpkin farm:

The kids and I went to a pumpkin farm on the last day of October, i.e., the last day it was open.  Before that, any time we had available, it was either too hot or too rainy.  They closed the petting zoo, but they had a fun hay ride and maze.  When the hay ride was done, Lucas was concerned the tractor had smashed all the sunflowers (there was a road).  Otherwise, I just wanted to show them all the different possibilities when it came to sizes and shapes of pumpkins and other gourds.  The sunflowers were a bonus.  Naomi had never seen any that were 10 feet tall with that kind of circumference.  

Naomi always spots a good photo op.

My little pumpkins keep growing up.  Now neither fit in the wheelbarrows.

A blustery day.  I bathed them and fixed their hair before we went trick-or-treating, but it's still a cute photo.

Lucas usually hides from frowning faces, but this one fascinated him.

Getting ready for our hay ride through the sunflowers.

Lovely weather for a hay ride together.