december part 3, christmas eve to new year's eve:

Or...it's actually New Year's Eve to Christmas Eve since it's back to backwards uploading.  I was glad to say goodbye to 2020.  There was so much political division among believers, and I was so over that.  Maybe I’ll post my opinions someday, but for now let’s just talk family.  We all missed Nacho so much.  We missed our extended family.  We missed seeing friends.  Being locked down has been so hard.   But I am thankful we have each other.  Two Christmases before, it felt like our family had fallen apart, and we are now working through healing and building our relationships.  

Christmas is usually a magical time, but as I said in the last post, it felt more somber this year.  And I found myself just really imagining  what it was like to be Joseph and Mary.  I don’t think they knew they would be included in Scriptures for all time.  Joseph was a just man, realizing Mary was pregnant, he thought to quietly divorce her at first.  And he chose to do what was right.  And in some ways there’s adoption of Jesus in it, and it’s significant that the ancestry of Jesus comes through Joseph who isn’t a direct blood relative, and yet Jesus was his stepson in some ways. And of course God’s Son.  Our pastor preached on Joseph, and I just hadn’t really thought about it that much before.  How much mercy, grace, and humility are in the whole Christmas story.  Jesus having to be in a manger in stable.  And I think how much mercy, grace, and humility is in each of our lives.  

I miss Naomi being the life of the New Year’s Eve celebrations.  Now that she and Lucas are older, it’s only Isaac who still wants to do the countdown with us, but I hope that in the future they’ll all be into it and into being together again.  

I decided to do both a Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas dinner.  Also a bit of a Christmas breakfast with protein pancakes, fruit, and whipped cream.  I felt a little void not having Nacho nearby while I cooked.  But Isaac was there talking my ear off as usual.  He’s not just very talkative but very precocious.  He discusses scientific theories, the human subconscious, and general logic.  He is very special.  I have a feeling he’ll sometimes be misunderstood or dismissed but will be called to great purposes.  Not that we don’t all have great purpose, but I can see he will have important things to say in the future.

Naomi had a check-up at the doctor’s during the week as well.  That hour I was in the waiting area by myself was just the time alone I needed.  I came out of it like a new person.  Between October and December, I was feeling depressed, like almost suicidal.  I have to tell you, no part of me wanted to talk to anyone about it.  Check in on your loved ones if you haven’t heard from them in a while, especially during the lockdown.  I was so depressed and feeling like why bother anyone with my issues?  I tried talking to Manny, but he looks at his from a “how does the way she talks affect me” point of view, and I didn’t want that burden on him or me.  There are things I would say that would just sound like victimizing myself or attacking him when it’s not about that.  I didn’t want that burden on either of us.  Ultimately, I knew it would pass, and I feel this month (January) it has, by God’s grace and mercy.

Manny and Isaac saying, "Cheers!"

Happy New Year!

We watched it live at 9 pm.  Midnight is too late to stay up anymore!

Only Isaac this year.  The older two had their own things going on.

Korean wings for NYE.

Homemade wonton soup and not-homemade Thai coconut shrimp.

Manny made this pork butt in the smoker, and it was yum-azing!

My friend sent us a dinner giftcard which I used to order from Lazy Dog.  So good!  And so thankful!

Another friend sent our group of friends (the ladies/college church friends I went to Vegas with) this wonderful artwork as a reminder to water ourselves.

Lucas opening his gifts.  Yes, I know his hair is crazy.

Isaac opening his gift card from Grandma (he asked for Roblox credit).

I had the biggest present!  My mother-in-law crocheted this most amazing blanket.  I cherish this so much!  Snoopy is my forever favorite!

Christmas dinner--salad, charcuterie board, ham, prime rib (which I

messed up), Chinese sticky rice, carrot soup, tamales, greens, mashed potatoes, rolls, and gravy.

Red and green fruit salad.

I got Manny a lap desk, because he has been working from home for almost a year.

Merry Christmas, Aunt Dolly!

Merry Christmas, Grandma and Grandpa!

Isaac cutting out Christmas sugar cookies.

Chrismtas breakfast - protein pancakes and bacon.

These are dollar store fake nails.  I've since upgraded to drugstore fake nails, which are better.

These peppermint cake pop came out so funny but so delicious!

Chocolate cake balls for the cake pops.

Christmas Eve dinner - ham, bacon mac n cheese, brussels sprouts, peas, and pineapples.

Christmas Eve dinner.  I made a honey glaze for the ham as well.

Krispy Kreme Chrismtas donuts!  Too cute but too sweet!

I love passing by this house each year with Snoopy Christmas decorations.

Flavored senbei cookies from A.

Strawberry mochi from A.

Almost there!

Thank you to our friends and neighbors for all the treats!

With the lockdown, our one date was to...Costco!

december part 2, prepping for christmas:

Christmas 2020 was the first time we did not go to my in-laws' house for as long as Manny and I have been together.  It was of course due to the pandemic.  We missed our family and friends.  We put up some new decorations, like a new artificial tree (we didn't have one last year, and our old tree broke), and we had some familiar decorations, like the stockings my mother-in-law crocheted.  At first I wasn't going to put up Nacho's stocking, but we felt we could honor him by leaving it up.  Isaac stuck a little decoration in it.  

Losing Nacho and then not being able to gather with anyone made Christmas somber, but I still wanted to make the most of it.  I kept decorations on the simpler side for Manny.  It did help me focus more on the important things and the meaning of Christmas (or the  meaning we assign to the day anyhow).  We do celebrate Advent, or the anticipation of Christ's birth.  I used to do a lot of activities with the kids for Advent, and I've learned now that they didn't retain much as they got older.  So this year, I talked to the boys directly about it and did a 30-day Advent Bible-reading challenge.  I think it was the right fit for us in this season, so to speak.    

I'm still cooking up new things in our relatively new kitchen, and I am finding individual serving things like squares and muffins are fun for the holidays.  

These red cabinet ribbons were less than $9 and simple but fun.  Also have a snowman drying mat next to the sink.  (Excuse the clutter.)

Apple cinnamon streusel muffins.

Isaac wearing the beanie Grandma made and using a cool cereal bowl he got from them for a previous Christmas.  Cereal doesn't get soggy!

Putting up the Christmas tree.  Christmas tree toppers are surprisingly expensive!  So I stuck a bow up there.

One of our very few outings--picking up some Taiwanese dessert with Naomi and Isaac.

Cute cornbread from my Pampered Chef Brownie Pan, which I love.

Chocolate/cookie brownies, fajita chicken, and salad.

Sweet and sour pork from the air fryer!  Homemade sauce.

Homemade spring rolls, tofu, and Korean tteokboki.

Carrot muffins to try to use up the 3 lbs of carrots I had from the district.

Quick Christmas shopping for my friends' kids.  Took 20 minutes to get in the store.

Isaac needed some fresh air, so we delayed school and went to the park one morning.

Modo Hawaii Mochi Donuts!

Our "Let's Stay Home" pillow we got in 2018.  Who knew?  I replaced it with the Christmas pillow.

I kept the decorations on the corner bookshelf to reduce clutter but still enjoy.  My friend made the Snoopy paper art up top.  There's a Star Wars Christmas musical snow globe.  My mother-in-law gave me the Nativity set.  (Poor Joseph had a carpentry accident and is missing his hand.)  And sleigh ride for Snoopy and Hello Kitty in their Christmas outfits.

A huge Christmas Snoopy my in-laws got me.  I love it.  It's still in the corner.

december part 1, nacho's passing:

[Warning: Some graphic details ahead.]  Nacho died on the evening of December 2.  Even though 2020 was full of unexpected happenings, we weren't prepared to lose him so young.  Definitely not this last Christmas.  The day after he passed, his new Christmas sweaters and his Christmas present (lots of pig ears) arrived.  I'd also just bought a giant bag of dog food since our usual smaller bag was unavailable.  There were many visions in my mind of Christmas with Nacho and how handsome he'd look in his gray or teal sweater.  We couldn't wait to see him go crazy with all the pig ears since his one pig ear was his most prized possession.  It always seemed like he was hiding it for our sake.  He would whimper looking for a place to hide it and then be completely relieved after finding a spot.  We joked that it was like we would have a famine someday, and he was going to save us all with his pig ear.  

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, I had taken Naomi out for lunch and to talk.  It went really long.  I had told Manny that morning and earlier in the week that I would be going out with her, but I didn't actually tell him at the time we were leaving.  So during the time we were gone, Manny didn't know I wasn't home, and Nacho had a seizure.  Manny tried to contact me, and I did not look at my phone because we were having a serious talk.  When I got home, I gave Nacho the meds about an hour post-seizure.  He had a cluster of seizures before finally calming.  I had been so exhausted in the past from having to monitor him all night and clean up his pee or poop or vomit.  This time he seemed to be okay.  Manny had said I didn't need to be up with him.  I put him in the crate.  Sunday morning I checked, and there wasn't any evidence of seizures during the night, but then he began having a cluster of seizures again.  My dog mom friend said maybe it's time to consider putting him out of his suffering, but I told her the vet had said he doesn't feel pain, and with the meds he could still live for a while.  He'd had these clusters before, and gotten through okay.  

I continued to give him the emergency meds as directed and he was okay by Sunday evening.  I decided not to stay up all night with him, and again he seemed okay in the morning.  Then I began retraining him as usual.  On Monday he was a bit clingy, so I put aside some things I needed to do and stayed with him and pet him.  He was clingy with Manny, too, seeming to want to get on the bed with him.  We were very careful about not giving him any pistachios, pecans, salt, sugar, anything that could trigger it during Thanksgiving.  I think Manny gave him a tiny bit of turkey, but that was it.  And he'd been tested more than once for toxins.  Still, many what-ifs that come to mind.  For example, we had an increase in our use of hand sanitizers and disinfectants last year.  I worried about that.  I thought about how I couldn't let strangers come close and pet him anymore on his walks, and how that was his favorite part.  He'd be so sad when we came home from a walk.  

That Tuesday he was mostly back to his old self, happy and playing, and was successfully retrained to go potty outside and do his tricks.  It seemed like just the usual sequence of events.  Apart from Monday's clinginess, I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.  On Wednesday he was fine all day, but as I was serving the kids dinner while Manny was in a meeting, Nacho slammed himself to the floor with another seizure.  This one seemed stronger than I'd ever seen before.  I texted Manny something was wrong, but I didn't want to panic too much in front of Lucas who was witnessing this.  The other two had left beforehand.  After the 30-second seizure, Nacho ran upstairs to be with Manny.  Manny was still busy with work.  I went into the room, and Nacho had another seizure and defecated.  Isaac came in to talk.  It was too much commotion for Manny.  I went to clean up the poop, which was perfectly fine, no sign of diarrhea, and then Nacho went into the bathroom.  We just let him cool down and stay in there like usual.  At this point I was going to call the vet, but the office had just closed.  The animal hospital was 15 minutes away.  I went downstairs for just a couple of minutes to clean up his drool from the first seizure.  Then Lucas came to me and said I should check on Nacho as there was no more sound.  I went upstairs to the bathroom to find Nacho motionless.  Screaming and in a panic, I ran downstairs to get Manny.  He checked and confirmed Nacho had died.  It was within just the couple of minutes since I had left.  I couldn't think straight at all, but called the animal hospital for what to do.  They said wrap his body up and take him down there.  Let them know what we wanted to do with the body.  There aren't any pet cemeteries near here, so we thought we should have him cremated.  Manny said maybe we ought to run it by Naomi.  I was thinking still we should rush down to the hospital, knowing the long wait times I'd often experienced there.  I went to Naomi's door and broke the news to her in a terrible, emotional way and then asked what she wanted to do with the body.  It was all too much for her, and I was just not thinking.  She hasn't gotten over how I did that, or how I seemed to get over it so quickly (I wasn't over it, but I was trying not to affect everyone with my sadness--I had already been feeling depressed since end of October, and Manny had said depression can be contagious).  

I was not in a good place at all, but over time I have thought more of the good that Nacho brought into our lives.  How he just loved unconditionally and was such a good dog.  Even though I didn't want him initially, he became such a necessary part of my life.  I can't even begin to explain it.  There are many funny stories I could tell.  He had the best personality of any dog I've ever known.  He was sweet, funny, noisy, and flatulent.  It was a bit like having a pig though he may not have been as smart as one.  The kids are very sad about it.  Lucas still talks about him as if he's alive.  Isaac wants to create a pretend spot in our back patio area with a tombstone.  Naomi says she lost her best friend.  We all did in some way.  Every day I had to clean up or give away something, my heart broke all over again.  I'm glad his food went to foster dogs.  His treats and sweaters went to my dog mom friends across the country, from L.A. to Chicago to Richmond (Virginia).  

His dinner left untouched.

My friends got us a special ornament to remember him by. 

The cremation box along with his digital pawprint.

Our last photo of him.  Manny opened the window in the morning for him so he could look out.

The Monday before he died, when he seemed to need a little extra comfort.