Last month I offered my two pennies about coddling our children. This time, I'd like to talk about the other extreme, which is an authoritarian view of parenting, in which children are to be seen and never heard, and to be controlled like little robots. I had that view before having children. I think it came from either a place of judging people or a fear being judged once I had children. Probably a place of arrogance as well. Many expect a parent to know their child well enough to keep them well-behaved, and if he or she doesn't do it right, then we somehow know better than they do, having never walked in their shoes.
Over time, and being a parent of three very different children, I've learned that kids need both boundaries and freedom in order to thrive. We must acknowledge and take responsibility as parents, because we are our children's greatest influence at the outset, and we will become our children's inner voice as they mature. We need to train our children and not leave them to their own devices. They should be considerate of others and not self-focused. If we as parents treat our children like peers, friends, or even prince and princesses, instead of establishing an authority built on respect and trust, the child may end up feeling entitled, which not only does not fly well with others, but may hurt them in their ability to make good choices when faced with a situation they do not like.
On the other hand, if we only focus on external behaviors, as in how others perceive us or how to fit our children into a mold, then our children may grow up with the same kind of focus, living behind a facade and being unable to reconcile their internal struggles with their superficial image. Children whom we might observe as being well-behaved may actually just be well-controlled and fearful of others, and not necessarily emotionally or spiritually healthy. If we brush aside our children's feelings as unimportant or their opinions as ridiculous, not only will we miss out on what incredible little people they are, but we are making it harder for them to cope with life in the long run.
I'd like to think I've learned a thing or two about parenting just naturally over time, but in reality, everything hit me like a ton of bricks. The kids turned out pretty much as Manny predicted, but nothing as I'd expected. I read stacks of books and articles before Naomi was born. Despite being told not to worry about a birth plan, I had one in my mind, and nothing prepared me for all the complications I had. I nearly lost her and almost died myself (that is not an exaggeration--see my medical records). She of course was severely colicky and threw up around the clock until she was 2 1/2. No amount of books, methods, or advice could overcome that. Unless someone has been through that and through that alone, he or she could never understand. Naomi had a host of health issues and didn't even get above 0% on the growth chart until she was 3. And for all those well-meaning moms with their textbook babies who helped me feel like a terrible mother, I almost thank them, because I learned for the first time in my life what was wrong with being a people-pleaser. I then expected Naomi to be a difficult and rebellious child, and resented her at times, but I have to say she has matured into a sweet, helpful, creative, perceptive little girl. I also expected her to enjoy and excel at math from the start like Manny and I did, but she is very much her own person. Perhaps every child should be. I don't want her to just follow in my footsteps, and I am very against living my dreams through my children.
Lucas was the one whom I spoke to the most, read to the most, spent the most time teaching, from the womb till long afterwards. Yet he didn't really talk until he was 3 and has a learning disorder and speech impediment. What I've learned with his situation is that when faced with a scary situation full of unknowns, we keep wanting to find all the answers, sometimes filling in the blanks with whatever we can conjure. It's easy to want to lay blame on something, perhaps ourselves, perhaps our genes, vaccinations, environment, or whatever else, but is it the best thing to spend a lot of time dwelling on it if we can't say for certain or go back and change anything? Everything Lucas is is exactly what he is meant to be. We can use what we know of him to help us and to help him, but beyond that it does not define him. Lucas, unlike Naomi, was a fairly easy baby. He was sleeping through the night by five weeks of age, could sit quietly through any of his sister's classes or church or activities, and he loved loved loved vegetables. As a younger toddler, he liked to be clean and to clean up. I admit to saying, "How come you can't be more like Lucas" to Naomi a few times. Then when I was ready to pat myself on the back, he started growing up. Wow, did he turn my world upside-down. I'd never had to deal with disciplinary issues like this. Worst of all, whereas he used to be sweet to the littlest ones, he started bullying Isaac. Having been bullied so much growing up, it triggered a lot of resentment, and it unleashed a fury in me I guess I had not deal with in years. I am happy to say that with God's grace I am a changed person now. I believe as a result of that and prayers, he is so much sweeter as well.
Isaac was supposed to be my good eater. I trained the other two to eat and enjoy nutritious foods. Sure, I knew much of it was not because of some special skill I had, but because of God's mercy, but I also had a wealth of experience, knew what was healthful, and did not make mealtimes a battle. But, yikes, Isaac is so very picky. I can probably count on one hand the foods he eats, and none of them are that good for him (you can count fruit, but many of his favorites have a high glycemic index). I didn't allow the other two to have a lot of sugar except for special occasions, but I admit to giving Isaac sugar far more often and earlier and even using it as a bribe (a complete no-no with the other two). Desperate times have called for desperate measures, but right now I'm starting to wean him off the sugar. However, the doctor still wants him on Pediasure, even though it's loaded with sugar, since it has vitamins he needs as well. Isaac also is the messiest child I have ever had by far. I thought it was bad when Naomi smashed blueberries into the carpet or when Lucas started potty training. Isaac takes the cake (and throws it on the wall). He likes to be messy and hates to be wiped, have his diaper changed, or take baths. The only thing he sort of likes is washing his hands, which is great for keeping germs at bay, but beyond that, he thinks our home is a canvas for his abstract art.
I'm sure there are many more examples, but the bottom line is, we will never get everything right, but we will always love them. In parenting, we can't always take the credit, and we can't always take the blame. We can't predict their future, but Manny and I will do our best to help our kids navigate and learn from what God has planned for them. I am always learning from them. I hope I'll be able to share how much more I've been humbled by my children in the coming years.
