phone a friend:

I got an unexpected call this week from a friend who had moved away last year.  It was really nice catching up, although I was sort of waiting for some news or question or need.  It turned she just simply wanted to say hi.  It was a real encouragement, and for a moment I thought, "Hey, I should call people more often."  But then I changed my mind--I'm just too shy usually to call people up.  When email first took off, I loved it, because I like communicating by writing.  First, because my mind is cluttered and I've been known to stutter or go off on tangents, and second because I didn't have to worry about how much time I was taking up or putting someone on the spot.  I could think before I spoke/wrote and it didn't take as long as snail mail.  A friend of mine, my best girlfriend, wouldn't answer any of my emails (and still doesn't, really).  One day she sent me an email with a graphic telling me to call her.  So now aside from family, she's the only person I call regularly, because she just doesn't communicate by email.  It helps us still be great friends across the miles.  Manny also only really communicates by phone or in person with friends and family.  One thing I noticed  about Facebook was that over time it actually made me feel a little lonelier.  Stanford recently did a study on Facebook users where the undergrad participants felt lonely and sort of let down once they saw that others didn't have much of a social life.  That's not really the case for me, maybe being older, but there is something about it that feels empty at times.  It's really awesome for reconnecting (I'm seeing a friend this weekend who found me through it), not having to keep up with everyone's email addresses, and seeing updates and announcements all at one time.  Yet it can also harbor personal drama, talk of events others weren't invited to, or friends that never say anything to each other.  Seeing updates about the funny-shaped swirl in someone's coffee juxtaposed with news of a friend who's died--I guess it's like the news but worse.  However you look at it, a friends list is not the same as friendship.  Here's a bit of comic relief mixed with sad truth:  Analysis of a typical Facebook debate.

awana / bible study:

We went to pick up Manny's car, and had lunch together as a family to boot (love that).  Naomi had Awana that night, and I finally made it back to the women's bible study thanks to one of them offering to relieve me in the nursery.  I was kind of dreading it, because I usually get paged out, but after 15 minutes, Lucas actually calmed down!  They suggested I bring some familiar books for him, which I did.  He picked out nine of them actually, and they said they just basically read to him for over an hour.  He can stick to one activity for a loooong time.  I'm glad that activity wasn't crying.  I was so glad to be back at the study.  It had been a long wait, but patience isn't just about waiting to get what you want.  Sometimes the answer's going to be "no."  But it's about hope, endurance, and relinquishing control.  I was so glad to be back.  I'll be in Awana serving over the next month, but the same person has offered me another week in the study, which was very nice of her.

In the study, we discussed Jesus' washing of the disciples' feet.  Often I hear this in the context of Christ being an example to us of serving one another and being humble toward one another.  In the study we also discussed specifically Jesus' interactions with Peter and Judas.  In Peter's case, he first responded almost in disbelief, feeling unworthy to accept Jesus' action.  Yet Jesus says he will have no part with Him if he doesn't receive it.  Peter then changes to, "Wash everything then!"  Christ answers that he need only his feet washed daily and he is clean.  Perhaps sometimes we live seeing ourselves unworthy to receive Him.  Or perhaps some of us are afraid of losing salvation and think we need constant cleansing, and Christ is addressing that.  Also we have to consider how Jesus washed Judas's feet knowing he was about to betray him in the worst way, knowing that he had been His follower, and was not really understanding what Jesus had just done in washing him.  And though his feet were washed, Jesus says he remained unclean.  There are many who may follow Christ and yet never know Him.  Christ also loved Judas and the wishes for no one to perish.  I can't rewrite the entire discussion, but these were some major themes from the accompanying book.  I appreciate how the facilitator is clear on where the book may have error or room for better wording, but addresses it in a tactful way.  I want to learn from that and teach my kids the same.

Naomi's completed her verses ahead of schedule in Awana.  Her team also won for only the second time this year.  Though it's not about winning, the constant losses and the sweetness of striving for a victory and finally seeing its reward (and by this point unexpectedly) was good for her character.  And it parallels with Lucas being okay for one night without me.

tuesday visits / daddy at work:

After school on Tuesday, I took the kids to a friend's house to visit and drop off some baby clothes.  Lucas is enjoying the visits more these days (as long as I'm around).  Naomi would be at a new house every hour if she could.  It was good to see an old friend whom I'd been out of touch with for a while.  Then we went to Burger King to squeeze in a late lunch before Lucas's nap.  Naomi bumped into twin girls there that were about her age, and they weren't that receptive at first, but you know Naomi doesn't give up and by the end of it, they were all buddy-buddy.  Then we went to visit and pick up Manny at work.  His car was in the shop, and his coworker had picked him up in the morning.  I think seeing where your father works is a nice memory for kids.  When I was a little older than Naomi, my dad was a bartender at the Tropicana casino in Atlantic City.  Of course, that's a different experience than, say, my friend who took her kids to see Daddy at the fire station, but I still got a kick out of visiting him.  I'm pretty shy about meeting Manny's coworkers, but it's less awkward now having the kids there with me.

Sitting in Papi's chair.

lucas, 2 1/2 years old:

It doesn't seem like Lucas is 2 1/2, aside from him speaking in more sentences now at home.  He is a mostly happy kid, still pretty small for his age, and still very focused, especially on vehicles and books.  He can identify many letters and numbers on his own, but he won't sing any songs like the alphabet song.  He is pretty good at identifying and remembering colors of objects and the order in which things are done.  He also draws nice circles and lines, usually calling them trains and train tracks.

Lucas still loves his cars, trains, and other vehicles.  He doesn't like the ones with sounds as much.  He doesn't like anything loud.  He didn't start watching TV till very recently, but he still is timid around it, asking if anything will scare him.  He only is able to watch a few minutes at a time and seems to really like Elmo at the moment.  Otherwise, he likes looking at photos and PBS games online.

He still likes his fruits and vegetables.  Tonight he wanted me to take all the bowtie pasta out of his side dish so he could just eat the carrots and spinach.  He can appear to be a great eater because he eats what other kids don't often like, but he is picky.  It's a real challenge to get him to eat bread or drink any milk.  He still doesn't like milk, although he will occasionally have it with cereal or drink chocolate milk.  Not often, though.  But I'll enjoy the veggie love while I can--Naomi's lost her love for many fruits and vegetables she used to like.  He really likes 100% cranberry juice a lot, but not other juices.  It's great, just a little unusual.

He and his sister don't fight that often, but when there is conflict, he can either be really mean or a little oblivious.  He took something from Naomi the other day, and when she cried, he just took some object that nobody wanted and gave that to her instead.  He said, "Mama, I make peace!"  I'm proud of him for trying!  He is showing a little more compassion toward others.  At least he doesn't laugh anymore when someone cries, and he pets Naomi when she's hurt.  He still can be a bully and growl at or push babies and adults alike.  That's often how he deals with his fear, but we're working on it.

Potty training went down the toilet.  Lately he's been refusing to try.  I guess that's okay, because he hasn't learned he's supposed to tell me before he goes, or maybe he's unaware himself.  We'll try again later.  His sleep has become erratic lately, but hopefully we'll get back on track in time.

It doesn't seem like terrible twos, but he does throw tantrums when things are out of place or out of order.  I'm trying to teach him to adjust and adapt, but it's not natural for him.  On the other hand, if I tell him he can't have something at a store or I'm unable to read him a book, he doesn't complain or put up a fight at all.  Then he makes sure to put it back exactly where it was.

weekend / church:

Last Friday, I dropped Naomi off at our friend's house for their home church group.  Their son and Naomi get along well, and both have a lot of energy at night.  :)  I then drove Lucas to a P.ampered Chef demo at a friend's house.  The purpose was to help another friend who'd lost her home in the San Bruno gas explosions.  Friday rush hour traffic slowed us down quite a bit.  But once we got there, I felt very refreshed.  Lucas was very scared at first, but as usual he warmed up just as we had to leave.  I saw a lot of old friends, many of whom I hadn't seen in a while.  We all pitched in to replenish our friend's kitchen.  I bought a few items for me as well.  I got a couple mini spatulas that are perfect for serving lady-size portions.  I've seen them at friends' homes, but never knew where to get them till now.  I also got Naomi a nylon knife.  She is really itching to cut her own food.  :)  The food the hostess cooked for the demo, chicken chile verde, was delicious.  Usually any women's gathering I attend guarantees I'll have garlic and onion breath when I get home.  Poor Manny.  By the way, my phone's been dying, so while we were out, Manny went to get us smartphones and renew our contract.  All these years we've been getting the free down-rev phones with our contracts, so it was a nice surprise to upgrade to these phones.

I wasn't feeling that well on Saturday.  Manny took his car in to get it evaluated for fluid leakage.  It'll be in the shop for a few days, so we'll have to share a vehicle till then.  After I finally got the kids up, we picked him up and went to Costco.  They had a lot of coupon items, which helped motivate me to go.  Sometimes their prices aren't better than the supermarket's on some items, but this time we found great deals.  I was kind of in a hurry to get out and forgot to buy meat.  Good thing we have enough in the freezer.  I'm not good at taking my time and browsing, because I don't want to end up with extra items in my cart, and I like to shop with a clear purpose.  Usually when I'm with friends, I'm really lax about it, but I forget to lighten up a little with the family.

I don't know what was up with Lucas, but he cried and woke up constantly that night.  I ended up falling asleep around 5 a.m., and then Naomi came in at 8:30, plus I wasn't feeling well, so I watched the church sermon online while Manny took Naomi to church.  We have a permanent pastor now at our church, and we're really encouraged and looking forward to what God will do.  I've been helping during Awana the past couple months, but it's been sort of a strain physically.  My hip gave out on me last week and I fell on my face on the carpet (I've had hip trouble since I was young--doctors just say to take it easy).  The kids have been pretty understanding and compassionate about it.  So probably after my stint in done in February, I'll have to ask for a break.  It was great to see Naomi's club last week, but then I got paged out after Lucas cried for 45 minutes.  Naomi was sad because I disappeared.  I hope Lucas will learn to be fine in the nursery without me like before.  I'd like to return to the women's bible study that happens in the same building during Awana.  I brought Lucas with me once, but it would be better if he could stay in the nursery.

parent-teacher conference / library day:

We had our monthly parent-teacher conference on Tuesday for Naomi's ISP, which went well again.  The principal's observations were that Naomi is a very good reader for her age and is in tune with others' emotions.  Of course we know how Naomi is, but it's always good to know perceptions and have feedback from someone whose job it is to give it.  The program has been great, especially making a wealth of materials and experiences available to us.  We also got our celery experiment write-up and Naomi's book narrations/drawings put up on the board, which was a first.  

After that, we went to the library.  Naomi loves the library and really hyped it up for Lucas, who probably doesn't remember going once as a baby.  The kids loved it and kept very quiet, but sometimes it's tricky to get them to understand why not everyone else observes the same rules or why they can't impose those rules on others.  Naomi was practicing her shushing on her way to the library!  Good behavior includes patience with others. though.  I try to just tell them to mind themselves and help other children obey by setting good examples.  I no longer say things to Naomi like, "Look, so-and-so did it.  Don't you want to try?"  Or "Other kids get to bed by 8 o'clock."  I rarely said those kinds of things anyway, but inevitably I would get the response, "So-and-so's family does this.  Why can't I?" so I try to refrain completely now.  It's not the milestones but the everyday things that teach our children the most.

Lucas was so excited at the library and still can't get enough of the books he picked out.  I hope the love of books stays with him.  The kids were also patient when the computers shut down and we had to wait.  But they were fast in jotting down serial numbers and getting us out quickly.  Our librarians are mostly older--better customer service and they haven't forgotten how to do things by hand.  :)

Naomi finishing Hooked on Phonics Level 5.  It's interesting how she does these Asian poses when no one around her does.

 

 Lucas looking through Freight Train and Naomi reading one of the Marley & Me children's books.  They know what they like.

Celery experiment.

photo time:

December 2010

November 2010

mlk jr and civil rights:

I read a story of Martin Luther King's life to Naomi today.  She cried at the end, and I got choked up as well.  If Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. were alive today, I wonder what he would think?  Was his dream realized?  I think we are still far from being "post-racial," but we've made great strides.  Society is going downhill in many other ways, but my children do not have to feel born into defeat based on the color of their skin.

(Sorry if this is a repeat story)  When I was in the fourth grade, I boarded the school bus one afternoon to find I had no place to sit.  Not that there was a shortage of spots, but no one would scoot over.  The bus driver scolded me to hurry up and sit down.  I politely asked each occupant to allow me to sit and was rejected without a hint of the same respect.  At first I thought I had some support from the bus driver, who told one child to let me sit.  That girl shouted, "I don't want to sit next to no chink!"  An uproar of laughter and ridicule ensued.  The bus driver then threatened to kick me off the bus if I did not find a seat immediately.  Knowing I had no other way home, no one around who could pick me up, I planted myself where I could.  I sat (or hung, rather) on the edge of a seat next to a pretty girl with flowing blonde locks.  She looked sweet enough, yet proceeded to kick me for the duration of the ride, telling me to get out.  From then on, I would always make sure to get to the bus early.

This and other happenings (particularly that year--maybe it was the South?) were just a taste of what Dr. King had to go through.  His desire for people to seek justice through peaceful means rather than quiet acceptance or violent retaliation, to overcome hate with love, to fight evil with good resonated with me greatly.  I find his quotes to be among my favorites.  As a child I was fascinated by many figures of black history, how many trusted in God and overcame whatever situation they were in or whatever weight was upon them.  They have helped shape who I am.

so funny cuz it's true:

Response to the WSJ article, explaining why Professor Chua is just an Americanized facsimile of the real thing (old-school Chinese moms), and how true OSCMs are on a whole other level.  via Jenni

Here are the top reasons why compared to the OSCM, Amy Chua is more like Panda Express – looks like Chinese parenting, smells like Chinese parenting, but is not the real deal – that is, old-school Chinese parenting.

I can relate to every last word in there, especially the choice nicknames and the lack of familiarity with the "game."  Haha--now it's actually kind of funny.

chinese parents:

An article on Chinese parenting has been sparking controversy.  I have many opinions on the topic having been through it firsthand, but suffice it to say, one can always have the right motivations and even the right results, but still go about it the wrong way.  The ends don't justify the means.  Yes, in the example she used, her daughter does master this piano piece and learn that perseverance, even when you don't have passion, talent, or even interest, increases confidence and attracts opportunities.  Practice makes perfect.  Hard work pays off.  As Naomi put it, she has to climb the mountain, and then she can sled down (she added she would call down to the cottage and make me bring a sled up for her--hmmm).  The ideas sound universal, but it's the way certain first-generation Chinese and other nationalities go about it that is called into question.

Comparing myself against the writer's list of things her children were never allowed to do:

• have a playdate - yep
• attend a sleepover - yep
• be in a school play - yep
• complain about not being in a school play - yep
• watch TV or play computer games - nope, once we actually got a TV, I was allowed to watch it and play video games all the time.
• choose their own extracurricular activities - yep
• get any grade less than an "A" - yep, almost disowned for my one "A-", on a quarter report in pre-calculus (i.e., didn't even count).
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama - pretty much.
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin - yep, even though we had no money, public schools offered classes and instruments back then.
• not play the piano or violin - yep, but I quit violin in the 10th grade anyway.  Had to make room for all those AP classes, but I didn't miss it at all.

The writer didn't mention how we also "had" to be doctors.  I've seen friends who were very poor and short on opportunities eventually become doctors, and I'm so proud of them.  On the other hand, I also have seen a Chinese dentist who was very book-smart but seemed to struggle with the hands-on aspect.

Pros (this is my personal experience; I don't speak for everyone):  The strongest lesson I learned was the delay or denial of gratification.  The need for instant gratification leads to poor choices.  I believe children raised this way mature and become independent quickly, because we are taught we owe our parents (though my view on this has changed), rather than our parents having to take care of us well into adulthood.  We learn not to be deterred by our shortcomings or lack of desire, which leads to a strong work ethic.  Many will go forward and overcome difficulties despite the world telling them they can't do something, just like the doctor friends I mentioned.  We don't look for excuses or shortcuts if we don't believe in them.  Additionally, there is a respect for elders and authority that I still think is often missing among youth.  Beyond the lessons learned is the proven success rate, which leads our parents to say, "See, I didn't take it too far--you're better off now."

The cons:  My parents were way too hard on us.  There is an emphasis on negative reinforcement, such as ridicule, rather than instruction by positive example.  Yes, there is praise, but the way you earn it is different and it's not often part of the reinforcement.  The worst lesson I learned, and have had to unlearn, is that achievements validate you.  Our worth is placed in pleasing our parents, and if we aren't number one, we aren't doing our best.  We might become socially awkward, being so culturally different, so competitive, so low on sleep and diversion, and so stuck in the books.  We aren't encouraged to pursue just what interests us.  My parents did not want me to pursue art, history, or writing, though they were my passions at the time.  In college, while struggling through my engineering-related courses as a freshman, I took an upper-division history class and got an A+ on an essay.  The professor said he was surprised I was a freshman ChemE major when the class was filled with senior history majors.  But I had to go forward with the engineering and leave my less lucrative interests behind.  As a junior or senior (?) I took just one other, and last, upper-div history course and again got all A's in the course without much effort.  I never felt comfortable in my major, though eventually my grades picked up.  Even though I paid my own way through college and didn't have to do anything, I felt that was how to honor my parents and my heritage at the time.  In the end, yes, I made the grades and some money, and yes I met another successful engineer from Stanford to procreate more of our kind.  My parents' only regret is that we're not both doctors from Harvard med.  Beyond that, they ignore the psychological, physiological, and sociological damage because that is secondary.  I had an Asian friend a long time ago who eventually committed suicide on graduation day, perhaps because he wasn't actually graduating or even enrolled where he said he was.  I think about him often, about what drives us to that, and how we tend to bury such stories.

Also different in my experience was that I didn't really have to study that hard to excel in school until college, but I did have to overcome a lot of struggles with poverty, bullying, ostracism, constant upheaval and moving, and family troubles which I can't even get into.  I was also a latchkey kid (thus being able to watch TV a lot more).  It still fell in line with the thinking pounded into me--no matter what your life is like, you have no excuse for not doing better.  There is always more you can sacrifice.

When I began to struggle academically, that was good for me in that it led me to question the meaning of my life and eventually find the answer in Christ.  Nowadays I feel my intelligence has faded, but I'm learning to put more focus on my character as I raise my own children.

Many years ago, a friend/coworker of ours had a birthday party.  During the dinner, he went around and said a little compliment about everyone.  When he got to us, he simply said that Manny and I were very competitive, and nothing else.  This was one of the most humbling experiences we've ever had, and it pretty much rid us of all our competitiveness.  Competing with yourself to do your best is one thing, but being known for that and seeing how it affected others, it's not what we wanted for our lives.  And by the way, this guy was Chinese.  It was one of the best things that ever happened to us.  Not comparing your situation or "success" to another's goes a long way to helping you understand your true worth.  (PS I'm purposely not speaking for Manny, but we had a really great discussion about this article).

Though I often hear my parents in me, I don't want to be that way.  Then sometimes I might flip and desire too much for the kids to "find" themselves.  There is a balanced manual for us--the bible.  Discipline, respect, perseverance, delayed gratification, wisdom, etc.--it's all there and much, much more.  And these traits surround desires and motivations in which we can be interested, passionate, even gifted.  We only need to be concerned with pleasing our heavenly Father.  All else is given to us within His timing and control.  Pray for me to excel in that.

date / grandparents:

Manny and I went on a date the next day.  First we went to Target.  I love shopping in peace with Manny.  Those are some of our best dates.  We then were supposed to either see Tron or The Fighter, but missed the former so saw the latter.  The Fighter was pretty good, especially for a movie based on a true story (and not just loosely based, but accurate on major points), although I almost drowned in all the profanity.  I guess Manny likes boxing movies, but this was more of a drama.  As a friend put it, it shed light on the difficult decisions we have to make and face when we're in certain relationships.  The acting by the main stars was very good.  Afterward, we had an early dinner at a Hawaiian BBQ place.  Just $4+ for a "mini-meal" that was loaded with gorgeous meat.  You can't get anything like that in the restaurants by where we live.  

While we were out, the kids got to make some special childhood memories with their grandparents.  They had helped make pizzas on a different day, and this time they made a variety of oatmeal cookies.  They drew, danced, and picked oranges from the trees.  When we returned, Naomi said she wanted to live there always. :)  I never spent time with my grandparents like that after the age of 4, so it's just amazing to see all the things Naomi gets to experience that I didn't.  Not that I want to live my life through her, as I have no regrets like that, but I'm just really happy for our kids to have grandparents like they do.  

Some of the great photos Grandma took:

 And even though I haven't seen Tron yet, I'm in it.  Not really, but anyone can put themselves in a scene with the latest technology.  Couldn't have imagined that when I saw the first Tron, which was a favorite movie of me and my brother's.

lovely weather for a train ride together:

Naomi was hoping to return to the snow at Oak Glen, but we got nothing but sunshine this Monday morning.  Manny suggested the train ride at Victoria Gardens.  Lucas enjoyed the train ride, but not the indoor carousel.  It was his first time, and he doesn't even like swings at the park (not for lack of trying).  Naomi is outgrowing carousels, but there was a teacup on it that she could spin, and spin it she did!  That made her day.  I was dizzy just watching her, but I'm glad she had fun.  I got out as often as I do more for the family than for me.  It's good they get me out of my comfort zone, because I'd lead a reclusive and sedentary lifestyle without them.

Naomi with her ticket ready.  She wanted to ride it by herself first. 

Pretty view of the snow-capped mountains. 

Lucas now on board.  He waved to people and really enjoyed himself.

He wanted to get on the horse, but I think he got scared.

Naomi starting to spin.  After this, she was pretty much a blur till the end of the ride.

getty center / chinese supper:

All of our parents are now retired.  This means that my mother has more than one or two days off a year when we can see her (which used to be 4th of July and Christmas).  Her heart, arthritis, and vision problems do not allow her to work, but the last time she tried to apply for disability, they said those conditions didn't qualify.  I also spoke to my brother on the phone.  He sounded better.  They still live the life I left behind; it's almost surreal to step back into it.

My mom wanted to go to the Getty Center.  It was our first visit and I think her third.  Manny decided to take her to brunch at their casual-elegant restaurant.  She was surprised by the complimentary fresh bread, which she actually had never experienced, but pretty unimpressed by the portions for the price.  I enjoyed my potato-leek soup and pasta dish.  Manny had French toast, and Naomi had pasta.  Lucas only ate the bread and fruit, and threw a fit when the berries ran out.  The waiter gave him another bowl of berries for free, which finally calmed him down.  For Christmas, they had a lot of paintings of Christ from birth till death.  There were many great exhibits, but it was so crowded that day it was a challenge to study anything.  The kids made the most of it, considering their age and how long we were there. They can appreciate colors, size, a familiar object of affection, and perhaps whimsy, but it probably wasn't as interactive as they would have liked.

For dinner, my mom called ahead to a couple Chinese restaurants in San Gabriel, but they were closed until the evening, and we'd arrived early.  We wandered from place to place and finally found a small one that was open.  It was really good and cheap; I wish I noted the name.  We had Shanghainese dumplings, noodles, and tasty meat dishes.  The kids ate really well.  It's not true that kids only eat what's on kids menus, although kids get influenced by other kids and ads sometimes.  There isn't even such a thing as separate kids foods in Asian cuisines, as far as I know.  The kids eat what we eat, except spicy foods.  But grown Asians like me still like cartoon characters, so I'm not saying we're more mature as a culture.  Anyway, kids can and will surprise you!

Pretty view from the Center. 

Me and my mom at the restaurant. 

Somebody's very happy with his second bowl of berries. 

Lucas in the big bed (a replica of an actual piece) in the family room, flipping through a book. 

Amazing tapestries. 

That's Naomi for ya.

 The kids under the "mitten with no thumb," as Naomi described it.

Yummy food!

christmas day:

Christmas Day was pretty relaxed and quiet this year.  Usually we're in a full house and having to rush to get to my mom's place.  Lucas is now old enough to open and appreciate presents.  He tears each piece of wrapping paper carefully and sets it in a nice pile.  The kids got so many presents this year I lost count.  I know Christmastime will be among their fondest childhood memories, not just because of the presents, but also the time with their family.  Grandma and Grandpa went all out with the decorating to create a "winter wonderland" for Naomi.  After lunch we went over to my sister-in-law's house and then returned to have our Christmas ham.  

Christmas morning!

Lucas loved watching Grandpa cook.  We had a huge breakfast.

Lucas opening his own presents. 

Naomi got everything she asked for and then some.

 Manny and I love getting pajamas every year.

At Dolly's house, Manny and Lucas looking at the view.  

Auntie's little gardener.

Naomi, Auntie, and Chuy.